Tiger Tuesday With The Big Cat Blep

LOOK, I STOLE A TIGER, OKAY

THE TIGER IS MINE YOU CANNOT HAVE IT

I WILL RIDE IT INTO BATTLE AND SLAY MY ENEMIES

THEN WE WILL TOGETHER PLAY WITH A BIG BALL OF YARN AND BY A BIG BALL OF YARN I MEAN A WAD OF GUTS TORN FROM THE BELLIES OF MY MANY FOES

MY TIGER’S NAME IS TIGERTAIL JONES

WITH A SWIPE OF HIS PAW HE CAN ERASE YOUR FACE

JUST FUCKING ERASE IT

ONE MINUTE YOU GOT A FACE

NEXT MINUTE YOUR SKULL IS AN EMPTY CHALKBOARD

EXCEPT MORE BLOOD AND BONE I GUESS AND LESS CHALKBOARD

WHATEVER

OKAY SO IT’S NOT AT ALL LIKE AN EMPTY CHALKBOARD

SOMETIMES WE WRITERS SWING AND MISS

DON’T JUDGE ME YOU MOTHERFUCKER OR YOU’LL GET THE TIGER

LOOK AT HIM

BEHOLD THE COUNTENANCE OF PREDATORY TERROR

THAT TONGUE STICKING OUT IS BECAUSE HE’S ALREADY TASTING YOU THE WAY A SNAKE’S TONGUE CAN TASTE THE AIR

ALSO HE’S PART SNAKE

I DUNNO, JUST FUCKING GO WITH IT

YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT HE’LL PEE ON YOU

YOU’RE A SNACK TO HIM

AND A TOILET

A TIGER TOILET

…

Okay, fine, I did not steal a tiger.

I did steal this marmoset though.

Let’s see, what else is going on?

INVASIVE is now $3.99 at Amazon, B&N, Kobo, iBooks. Why? I have no idea. I blame the fire ants in Texas. I think it’s a conspiracy. So don’t let them win and buy the book or I’ll send rafts of fire ants to your house, and these are fire ants who washed into a petrochemical plant and then were bathed in strange chemicals and fire, and now they’re super-mutant fire ants, ha ha ha. Just kidding. They’re regular fire ants! Ha ha ha. Fire ants are fun.

But yeah, you want Crichton-esque humans versus genetically designed ant-monsters, check it out. You want a futurist FBI consultant who overcomes her anxiety on a day to day basis, check it out. If you want a praying mantis named Buffy, check it out. Plus, free trip to Hawaii.

“Think Thomas Harris’ Will Graham and Clarice Starling rolled into one and pitched on the knife’s edge of a scenario that makes Jurassic Park look like a carnival ride. Another rip-roaring, deeply paranoid thriller about the reasons to fear the future.” — Kirkus Reviews (starred review)

Blah blah blah, self-promotion over.

I’m presently reading Phasma, by the always-killer Delilah S. Dawson, and it’s a fucking blast. SHINY AND CHROME all the way through. Also I’m not saying there’s a beetle-bearded freak in there named Churkk, but maybe, just maybe, there is.

Anyway, that’s it. Light post for today, and likely lighter posts throughout September, since I am on a deadly deadline — Exeunt continues apace, now over 150,000 words, and still with probably another 40-50k to go, easy. Longest book I’ve ever written. The Stand meets Station Eleven meets… something else? I dunno. WISH ME LUCK.

*puts on helmet*

*illuminates headlamp*

*descends again into the word mines to chip sweet verbage from the schist*