A poems journey
This is a poem that I wrote then I documented the process of editing.
Initial version.
The last holiday
A Georgian house Ivy clad
No haunted corners places of dread
Labyrinthine with added wings
Bright lofty rooms added zing
A chance to explore new places
Share some love, cement relations
This holiday the first in years
A time for smiles not for tears
A Georgian house ivy clad
Haunted corners make people sad
Labyrinthine with added wings
Places people get lost, find fears that sting
Mother leaves us but returns
Distraught, crying, in disarray
Her locket clasped tight in her hand
Her lifeboat in this shenanigan
Lost and frightened she clung tight
To the memories in her locket bright.
First off looking at use of rhyme in the poem, indirect rhymes italics and underlining.
So some poor rhyming choices..do I settle for indirect rhymes or rethink my rhyme structure?
clad – dread
wings – zings
places – relations
years – tears
clad – sad
wings – sting
returns –disarray
hand – shenigan
tight – bright
Further thoughts on the poem looking at tautology, oxymirons and the line layout.
A Georgian house Ivy clad
No haunted corners places of dread.
I actually don’t like the end of this.
Labyrinthine with added wings
I think better as the second line would follow on better is labyrinthine too complicated?
Bright lofty rooms added zing
syntax here and word choice
A chance to explore new places
Share some love, cement relations
? relationships would be better
This holiday the first in years
A time for smiles not for tears
wondering about this line
A Georgian house ivy clad
Haunted corners make people sad
not sure about this wanted to make tha t connection with fright / sadness
Labyrinthine with added wings.
again better as second line
Places people get lost, find fears that sting.
That sting probably isn’t good
Mother angry, leaves but soon returns
Distraught and crying, in disarray
Her locket clasped tight in her hand
Her lifeboat in this shenigan
ok crap!!!!
Lost and frightened, she clung tight
to the memories in her locket bright.
Too trite probably.
Re draft
We stayed in an ivy clad
Georgian house
Made Labyrinthine by
added wings
Full of big bright rooms
With comfy beds
This holiday the first joint
one in years
A chance to explore new places
Share some love, cement relations
A time for smiles no thought
of tears
Happy days, sun kissed, perfect
Hotel facilities well explored
Then the day, mother angry
left the dining table
Returning later
Distraught, crying, in disarray
She was lost, couldn’t find her way
She had her locket clasped
in her hand
Her anchor it seemed in a world
she didn’t comprehend
The talisman she continued to hold dear
As dementia claimed her.
Further thoughts broken back to Stanzas
We stayed in an ivy clad
Georgian house
Made Labyrinthine by
added wings. Bad word choice
Full of big bright rooms
With comfy beds
This holiday the first joint
one in years
A chance to explore new places
Share some love, cement relations
A time for smiles no thought
of tears
Happy days, sun kissed, perfect
Hotel facilities well explored
Then the day, mother angry
left the dining table
Returning later
Distraught, crying, in disarray
She was lost, couldn’t find her way
She had her locket clasped
in her hand
Her anchor it seemed in a world
she didn’t comprehend
The talisman she continued to hold dear
As dementia claimed her
Next version
We stayed in an ivy clad
Georgian house
A maze of a place
Full of big bright rooms
With comfy beds
This holiday, the first
in years
A chance to explore new places
Share some love
renew relationships
A time for smiles no thought
of tears
Happy days, sun kissed, perfect
Then the day, mother was angry
left the dining table in a huff
Returning later distraught
crying, in disarray
She got lost, couldn’t find her way
She had her locket clasped
in her hand
Her anchor it seemed in a world
she didn’t comprehend
The talisman she continued to hold dear
As dementia claimed her later that year
This is short of imagary
Next version
Checking filler words, adjectives, adverbs, do the lines work?
This holiday, the first in years
for Mother, Father and me
the aim to relax, renew bonds
strengthen our family voice
We stayed in an ivy clad
Georgian house
a maze of a place
full of big bright rooms
with comfy beds
set activities in the out-door space
Happy, sun kissed, perfect days
seeing moorlands, switchback hills
thatched farmhouses resting
in the crook of the land
sea and stunning vistas
visiting gothic cathedrals
Norman castles, history arresting
Memories to treasure
The clearest picture –
the day, mother angry
left the dining table
Returning crying, in disarray
unable to find her room
her locket clasped in hand
Her anchor in a world
she didn’t comprehend
The talisman she held dear
even after dementia hclaimed her.
Looking at the stanzas and then the lines
We stayed in an ivy clad
Georgian house
a maze of a place
big bright rooms
with comfy beds,
set activities in the out-door space
This holiday, the first in years
for Mother, Father and me
to renew bonds
to strengthen our family voice
Not sure about this it could come out ..maybe it sets the scene but …
Happy days, sun kissed, perfect
moorlands, with switchback hills
thatched farmhouses nestling
in the crooks of the land
visiting gothic cathedrals,
Norman castles,
sea and vistas.
Then the day, mother angry
left the dining table
Returning crying
unable to find her room
her locket clasped
in her hand
Her anchor in a world
she didn’t comprehend
The talisman she continued to hold dear
As dementia claimed her, later that year
Been looking at this in or out does it add value?
Next version
We stayed in an ivy clad
Georgian house
a maze of a place
with bright rooms
comfy beds
and activities in
the garden
Happy days
moorlands
switchback hills
thatched farmhouses
nestled
in crooks of land
Gothic cathedrals
Norman castles
sea and vistas
Perfect
One day mother
angry
left the dining table
returned in tears
unable to find
the bedroom
her locket clasped
in her hand
an anchor in a world
she didn’t comprehend.
Thats where my edits have taken me thus far. Still not a finished poem. This is an approach for free verse the approach for classical verse is slightly different it is the meeting of the form the scansion and the metre that are important.
How do you edit yours?
