Top 10 reasons why you can’t become a superhero in real life

Ever thought you could be a superhero IRL?

Of course you have. So has Kick-Ass creator Mark Millar.

“My friends and I sat around thinking about costumes, we went to the gym, went to karate,” he told me in 2010 when I interviewed him for the Sydney Morning Herald.

“For about six months we were really serious about it. But we didn’t have the balls to do it. In our heads, we would have kicked everyone’s arse, but in reality we would have probably been killed on the first night.”

I’ve been thinking about Mark and his fantasy ever since I heard the news that Netflix had bought his comic-book  firm Millarworld, which includes characters and stories like Kick-Ass, Kingsman and Old Man Logan.

I think Kick-Ass and Old Man Logan TV series would be great.

But I also think that trying to become a superhero in real life would be a fool’s errand. Here’s the top 10 reasons why.

You’re not rich

As the Joker asks, where does Batman get all those wonderful toys? Answer: wherever he wants to. His superpower is that he’s rich.

And you’re going to need all that wealth to be a superhero … for your secret hideout, for a cool costume, for a Batmobile, for Batarangs and grappling hooks … and also for your giant medical bills.

You’re not bullet-proof

Remember what I just said about medical bills? If you’re going to be a superhero, expect to be injured … a lot.

If you’re lucky, you’ll have a faithful butler to tend your wounds or come rescue you when you’re trapped on a rooftop whacked out of your mind on fear gas.

If you’re not, the first blow from behind by a two-by-four will put you in a coma. And the first bullet you don’t dodge will probably kill you.

”You see Batman in comics beating up 10 guys at once but in reality all it takes is for someone to hit you with a stick and you’d end up in hospital for six months,” Millar told me.

You weren’t trained by ninjas or special forces

Did you go on a sabbatical to the Far East where you were trained by the League of Shadows in the ways of ninjutsu, theatricality and deception?

Ever served in Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan? Were you a member of special forces or other secret government program where you were trained to kill?

Did your “Big Daddy” raise you to be a total “Hit Girl”, teaching you 10 ways to rip out a man’s throat at an age when most other girls were interested in boy bands?

No?

If you don’t have extensive martial arts or military training, you’ll probably be killed on your first outing.

You’re not a lawbreaker

Hate to break it to you, but being a vigilante is illegal.

If you want to be a superhero, you have to be a criminal – to live outside the law. It’s not really a part-time gig that you can fit in with a regular, legit life.

Go put on a weird costume and punch someone for shoplifting and the only place you’ll be going is straight to jail.

You have a job you want to keep

Like in Fight Club, if you start turning up to work with mysterious bruises people are going to be suspicious.

Superman could get away with strange, sudden absences from The Daily Planet because he could type at 10,000 words a minute and quickly file his stories when he flew back into the office.

Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne was a self-employed billionaire: if he had his back broken by Bane, Alfred could explain away his absence by telling the press he was sailing around the Mediterranean with Russian models on his yacht.

“That’s totally Bruce Wayne,” the readers would say with a chuckle as they tried to suppress their envy for his One Percenter lifestyle.

But you’re not Batman or Superman.

You have a family

Want to be a superhero?

Best if you don’t have anyone in your life. That includes friends and family.

Batman wears the mask to instill fear into superstitious, cowardly criminals, as well as hide his identity and protect Alfred from retaliation.

Because, like in Kick-Ass, your enemies will most likely discover your identity … and your loved ones WILL suffer.

You weren’t bitten by a radioactive spider

Guess what happens when you’re bitten by a radioactive spider?

Nothing.

Maybe you’ll die if it’s a radioactive funnel web or something. But you won’t become Peter Parker.

And you won’t live a double life as a superhero/newspaper photographer … because neither is a realistic long-term profession.

You don’t have the right motivation

Wife and children wiped out in a mob crossfire? Parents killed by muggers?

No?

You don’t have the dark backstory to become a superhero.

You hate violence

Most people do. But if the movies and comics are any indication, the step from keyboard warrior to actual warrior involves lots of bloodshed.

Don’t don the tights if your ass can’t pay the cheque.

You’re not crazy

This is the big one, right? It’s knuckles for breakfast, death for dinner and more likely than not an early grave.

As Neil Gaiman once wrote in Whatever Happened To The Caped Crusader?, the ultimate reward for being Batman is that you get to be reincarnated as Batman.

Are you that much of a masochist that you want to fight The Joker and Bane for all eternity?

Thought not.

My new thriller Game Of Killers is out now as an ebook and a paperback.