You want a pizza me?

Yesterday, I got into a fistfight with a swan. Before PETA comes to arrest me, let me explain.

I recently finished the manuscript for my second book (hooray!) and went to the shore with my family as part of the celebration/recuperation process. It was a beautiful place, with a pebbly beach and a family of swans gracefully floating by. My husband, my two little sons and I sat down to eat a picnic of pizza.

So there we were, just minding our own business, when one of the swans heaves itself out of the water, shakes his massive feathery bottom, and waddles up to my 4-year-old son. The bird stands there looking at our picnic wistfully. It obviously wants some pizza. Cute, right?

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But there are a couple things you don't realize about swans until they're right next to you. First, they're kinda smelly. Second, they're big. This one probably weighed more than both my sons combined, and it had huge black talons. Third, they are crazy aggressive.

The swan waddles right up to my 4-year-old, reaches out its (rather muscular) long neck and bites my son's hand, sending the poor kid into a surprised squall of tears and hurt.

I jumped up, put an arm around my son, and tried to shoo the bird away. But it just stood there unperturbed, looking at me with beady black eyes. Its beak was about level with my sternum and its bottom was bigger than mine, which is saying something. Swanzilla had no fear of me. Waving my arms had no effect, so I waved a water bottle at it. In response, the bird took a step closer to my boy. I tossed a handful of pebbles at it. (I didn't feel good about that. I love animals, and don't want to fight wildlife.) But the pebbles had no effect, except maybe to embolden the bird. It lunged at my boy again, and the poor kid screamed in terror, clutching his pizza to his little chest. Any reservations about hurting a wild animal disappeared. I picked up our daypack and swung it at the swan. "You want a piece of me?" I snarled. I don't think I've ever said that before, and certainly not to a creature who can't answer. Then we engaged in some hand-to-beak combat, Swanzilla lunging and nipping at me – still determined to get my son's lunch – and me kicking pebbles at the swan and wielding the daypack like a mace . Finally, the swan retreated back to the water. Victory.

After about five minutes of comforting, my son stopped crying. Nibbling his slice of pepperoni, he asked, "What does it mean, do you want a pizza me?" Hm.  It means there's no telling what a normally mild-mannered mama might do when her kid is threatened.

Sorry for the break from our usual subjects, but that's what's happening in my world this week. Next week is the premiere of Law & Order: SVU.  Are you excited for a new season of policing what they're getting right and wrong?  I am.  See you then!

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