A Letter *Trigger warning*
To whom it may concern,
This will be the hardest letter I will ever write and it will not have all the answers. This is just one person thoughts on an emotive subject. Depression. I was diagnosed in my mid teens with bipolar which fitted with my extreme rollercoaster ride of emotions that was my life at that moment in time. I am now in my mid thirties, roughly twenty years have passed since this initial diagnosis and I no longer believe I am suffering from bipolar. I am still suffering from depression, but I no longer get the extreme highs associated with bipolar but I still get those crushing lows.
In my adult years, especially since hitting 30, my life is entwined with depression and anxiety, interestingly mirroring my own mothers mental health, who first starting showing signs of agoraphobia around about her mid thirties. I never returned to the doctor for a new diagnosis or taken any medication for it. For me, medication scares me. Returning to my childhood experience, my mother was on medication that made her see things that were not there and as a child, that was terrifying.
But being a writer I am well versed at taking that emotional downward spiral and turning into something pretty. Sometimes the darkness is just that, too dark and I can not see to write but I am “happy” to risk those days when thoughts of suicide are overpowering to make sure that I can write the rest of the time. And that could end up being my downfall.
The reason I am sharing all of the above, albeit it in the tip of the iceberg fashion is so you know where the following words come from. A good place from someone who has felt similar. Each person feels depression differently and like I said, this is just my thoughts. And I will try to avoid going too “inspirational” but no promises.
Women, it is okay to be sad, we all have our secret sorrows, take no notice of those that call you cold because they do not understand what you hide inside. Physical scars are easy for people to read, but those that scars at our hearts are not only hard to understand but bleed more profusely. Healing from these scars is a lifetime commitment for not only your sake but the sake of those around you. Remember the future is brighter than our past.
Men, the same applies. No what the media tries to tell you about depression and men, you too have a right to be sad.You, too are allowed to worry about “the end”. It will, as it does women, compound daily. Do not worry that depression is the chink in your armour, tarnishing your “knight in shining armour” role. Anyone important will not see it as a chink, but as a source to let the light of your heart shine though. The more you care about others the stronger your sense of well being. It is okay to cry, anything from silent tears to full blown wailing and tearing at your clothes. You can do that.
We have been reminded again recently that depression and suicide are still amongst us and we must continue to talk about it. Remember feeling sad is not a sin, needing time to yourself is not a sin, and suicide is not a sin. Suicide is a tragic outcome of someone dealing with an illness far too long. We feel upset and sometimes angry when we lose someone close, and that is natural. Calling the person selfish or damned is not the answer. It has not stopped people committing or attempting suicide so far. Guilt is not a healer. Compassion, kindness, therapy, medication, mediation, whatever gets you through the dark times, those things are healers. And love. We know that these things do not stop suicide attempts anymore than guilt does. But it does a better job of it. For those of you who do not face the black dog on a regular basis it is hard to know what to do and there is no hard or fast rule.
One of the worst thing I was told during my hard battle with depression was to be told that I was “too much”. That I was overwhelming, draining and a drama queen. It was then I started to internalise the pain, and started self-harming. NEVER tell someone who has depression that it is “too much”, it hurts more than you can think. Bearing that in mind, you are not there to support their mental health. The best way is not make sure you are not the only person supporting them.
Make sure they stick to a medication routine and do not question them if they choose not to take medication. The only time intervention may be needed if they are looking to put themselves or others in danger.
Remember rational thinking will not work. Chances are their already realise that what they are feeling is not logical, being told that does not help. Validate that you understand why they are thinking, feeling, saying whatever, but try to show them the alternative. This is especially important when it comes to the irritability that often come with depression.
This is by no means a complete answer, it is just some thoughts. Depression is time-consuming most of the time. If you having someone with depression in your life, then you know it takes a mixture of patience, compassion and love to keep them on an even keel. But we also appreciate those things, even if we can not say it in the moment, or afraid to bring it up again. And if you lose us to depression, then do not blame yourself, anymore than you would if you lost someone to cancer, for example. You would have done the best for them and in the end the illness took them.
Yours faithfully,
Beverley Price.
