World, Get Off Roger Federer’s N*ts
If you don’t watch tennis, this post is not for you.
When Wimbledon, you know, that place in England where players wear all white and run around on a f*ucked up grass court–I don’t know about you, but my mother always warned me to never play in my white clothes–dirt and grass stains were the devil to get out–started a week later than usual, I knew some weird sh*t was going to happen–like Rafael Nadal losing to comic-book body made (big top, little bottom) Gilles Muller–who has been on the tour long enough for us to see his hair change colors and reduce dramatically–13-15 in the 5th; Sam Querrey beating the defending champion and GB’s hope, the hobbled–I played too damn much in the last year–Andy Murray–to make it to the semifinals–the first American man to achieve any such feat since another Andy: Roddick.
Speaking of Roddick, you don’t turn 35 until next month, and Tommy Haas, who should have went to the house five backward baseball caps ago (you will only get this reference if you are a long-time tennis fan), is still playing, so you may as well come back to the court, because the current crop of American male players should be replanted–really, raze that shit and start over.
…like I don’t care what her first name is and I’m probably about to spell her last name wrong Rybarikova–the girl with the mole–made it to her first, and last (yes, I am making the claim for her), Grand Slam semifinal as number 5,589,000 in the world–yeah, I am exaggerating, but that’s how unpredictable women’s tennis has been since Serena Williams announced her pregnancy and left us fans counting the days on the calendar for her return; Maria Sharapova got banned for doping and seems to have stage fright now that the ban is over; Petra Kvitova got stabbed in the hand by an intruder; and Victoria Azarenka dropped baby Leo last December.
Women’s tennis gives us storylines that rival that of the most titillating soap opera that used to dominate our VCRs then DVRs back in the day. As the media keeps saying, they can’t believe Venus Williams’s old ass made it to her second Grand Slam final of 2017, in spite of suffering from, well, old age, and an energy sapping auto-immune disease. The bottom line will be that she lost to her much younger opponent in straight sets. But the real takeaway should be that a 37-year-old with an auto-immune disease outplayed several players her junior, even the eventual 2017 Wimbledon champion, Garbine Muguruza, for a set (had two set points to take the first set, mind you), and it was wa-aay more exciting than the Wimbledon Men’s Final, where Roger Federer, who is just as old as Venus, turning 36 next month, but no one says anything about it, winning Glam Slam number 19, handedly beat Marin Cilic in straight sets.
Federer did not drop a set the entire tournament, proving his “dominance and return to the top.”
Bullshit!
Cilic showed his usual supreme weakness in his semifinal against Querrey (Querrey could have won, but what would have been the point? The result still would have been a win for Federer) and a couple of weeks ago when he lost a grass court tournament, that he should have won, to Feliciano Lopez, who ended his Wimbledon journey in a retirement.
Federer didn’t have to knock down the Crotian giant’s beanstalk; he did it for him.
And those who could have taken Federer out and exposed the defects that still exist–no one goes five years without winning a major and all of sudden is perfection again after having major injuries and surgeries–didn’t have the pleasure of skipping the French Open and picking and choosing the tournaments they played before it, and after it, like Federer did.
Nadal just had another great clay court season and won a record 10th French; he didn’t expect much at Wimbledon, but he could have gone to the end if hadn’t underestimated Muller, his arsenal of aces, and hadn’t served second every time in their 5th set battle, which is being called the “match of the tournament.”
Murray and Novak Djokovic’s bodies are finally saying “no mas”; these two battled the entirety of 2016 for the number 1 spot, with Murray finally coming out on top. Now they are both paying for it in injuries, fatigue, and pregnant wives.
Outside of Nadal, Djokovic, and Murray, the rest of the men’s field are pansies: punks kowtowing to the most popular kid on the playground.
How many times has Roger Federer has to come back from the brink? Pushed his body to its breaking point to gain victory? Sacrified his pride by going forward and ignoring the naysayers who said he was “done”? Played the most thrilling matches in tennis, no, sports history?
Pete Sampras was the first to break the record of the most Grand Slams in men’s tennis (the women had long broke that paltry number of 12 slams), and he did it before 30. Sampras was the “best,” but never given the reverence (respect) that is given to Federer. He was lauded as “boring and consistent.” And when he had a bad stretch of play after the 2000 Wimbledon, every single time he sat down in front of the media, “When are you going to retire?” was asked. After almost two years of streaky play and a record Grand Slam number 14 win at the 2002 U.S. Open, Sampras finally retired–at the ripe old age of 31.
Soon to be 36-year-old Federer had a five-year stretch of bad play and has won two slams due to a unsure, on the comeback Nadal, and a clueless Cilic…yet he’s the GOAT?
Bullshit!
Will Roger Federer win the 2017 U.S. Open?
It’s possible.
It’s highly likely.
Why?
Somebody has to do it. And Federer, this year so far, just happens to be that somebody.
However, don’t get luck confused with real competition. Federer hasn’t faced any this year. When he does, then ya’ll can blow smoke up his ass.
Until then…world, get off Roger Federer’s nuts.
