Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 6
Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear (Agent),
I hope to interest you in A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAIT, a YA alternate world fantasy featuring a mystery of otherworldly proportions and a headstrong female protagonist with the power to solve it.
At 18, Moreina di Bianco is a young healer who believes in medicine, not magic, even while possessing a second sight she can't fully explain. So when a talisman and a thousand-year-old prophecy choose Reina to reawaken an ancient magic and find a way to end a war, she must reconcile her beliefs and learn to master the magic. Reluctant to accept help, Reina’s only company on her journey is her estranged and mysterious childhood friend, Quinn D’Arturio, and a dashing captain who claims to be her protector. There’s just one problem with her new companions. They, too, are featured in the prophecy. But what woman wants a suitor, let alone two, when she’s busy defeating an evil general, ending a war, finding the true king, and rightfully seating him on the throne?
A Thousand Years to Wait, a 99,000 word fantasy, is the second novel I’ve completed, but the first I’ve written with the intention of doing something other than stashing in a desk drawer. While I have degrees in subjects completely unrelated to creative writing, writing has long been my true passion. Growing up, I was strongly influenced by the world-building talents of Anne McCaffrey and C.S. Friedman and quickly fell in love with both dragons and magic. Comparable titles might include Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass or White Hart by Sarah Dalton. As requested, I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript and a synopsis below. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or full manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Best Regards,
And with my crazy notes:
Dear (Agent),
I hope to interest you (Totally subjective but I feel like saying "I hope" lacks confidence. It does suggest humbleness, but I'm not sure that outweighs the other. I'd be more direct. TITLE is a YA alternative...) in A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAIT,(italics) a YA alternate-world (I don't think this is a true subgenre. Sound more like epic fantasy) fantasy featuring a mystery of otherworldly proportions and a headstrong female protagonist with the power to solve it.
At 18(Spell it out. Eighteen-year-old), Moreina di Bianco is a young healer who believes in medicine, not magic, even while possessing a second sight she can't fully explain. So when a talisman (what sort?) and a thousand-year-old prophecy (Agents and editors can be wary of another prophecy story. You might want to minimize that.) choose Reina to reawaken an ancient magic (what kind?) and find a way to end a war, she must reconcile her beliefs and learn to master the magic. Reluctant to accept help, Reina’s only company on her journey is her estranged and mysterious (Why is she mysterious?) childhood friend, Quinn D’Arturio, and a dashing (Dashing is always good. :-) captain who claims to be her protector. There’s just one problem with her new companions.: They, too, are featured in the prophecy. (But what/who is trying to stop Reina? What is the obstacle she must face? How does the situation get worse?) But what woman wants a suitor, let alone two, when she’s busy defeating an evil general, ending a war, finding the true king, and rightfully seating him on the throne? (Why does she need a true king? How is the war specifically bad? Why does she have to do any of this? What happens if she fails?)
A Thousand Years to Wait,(capitalize) a 99,000 word fantasy (Keep the genre the same. I'd just go with epic fantasy.), is the second novel I’ve completed, but the first I’ve written with the intention of doing something other than stashing in a desk drawer. While I have degrees in subjects completely unrelated to creative writing, writing has long been my true passion. (I think this is okay for Pitchwars, but I wouldn't send it to agents.) Growing up, I was strongly influenced by the world-building talents of Anne McCaffrey and C.S. Friedman and quickly fell in love with both dragons and magic. Comparable titles might include Fans of Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass or White Hart by Sarah Dalton might enjoy this story. As requested, I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript and a synopsis below. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or full manuscript upon request. (Understood. It just takes up room.)
Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon consideration.
Best Regards,
It's never a good thing when the story part of the query is smaller than the bio and genre information paragraphs. Agents and Pitchwars mentors want to know about the story. The rest is icing on the cake. But we need to know the details of the cake first. You want to get the unique ingredients of the plot in front of the reader.
1st paragraph should set up the characters and the obstacle they face. 2nd paragraph details the obstacle and expands on it. Goes into how the situation gets worse. The 3rd paragraph gives the stakes and what bad thing that will happen if the MC fails. The third paragraph also details the choice the MC faces. She can save the world but she might lose her friends sort of thing.
There's just not enough about the plot or characters here yet. Expand and give details and the choice and this will be more compelling.
Good luck and I hope this helps.
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear (Agent),
I hope to interest you in A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAIT, a YA alternate world fantasy featuring a mystery of otherworldly proportions and a headstrong female protagonist with the power to solve it.
At 18, Moreina di Bianco is a young healer who believes in medicine, not magic, even while possessing a second sight she can't fully explain. So when a talisman and a thousand-year-old prophecy choose Reina to reawaken an ancient magic and find a way to end a war, she must reconcile her beliefs and learn to master the magic. Reluctant to accept help, Reina’s only company on her journey is her estranged and mysterious childhood friend, Quinn D’Arturio, and a dashing captain who claims to be her protector. There’s just one problem with her new companions. They, too, are featured in the prophecy. But what woman wants a suitor, let alone two, when she’s busy defeating an evil general, ending a war, finding the true king, and rightfully seating him on the throne?
A Thousand Years to Wait, a 99,000 word fantasy, is the second novel I’ve completed, but the first I’ve written with the intention of doing something other than stashing in a desk drawer. While I have degrees in subjects completely unrelated to creative writing, writing has long been my true passion. Growing up, I was strongly influenced by the world-building talents of Anne McCaffrey and C.S. Friedman and quickly fell in love with both dragons and magic. Comparable titles might include Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass or White Hart by Sarah Dalton. As requested, I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript and a synopsis below. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or full manuscript upon request. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Best Regards,
And with my crazy notes:
Dear (Agent),
I hope to interest you (Totally subjective but I feel like saying "I hope" lacks confidence. It does suggest humbleness, but I'm not sure that outweighs the other. I'd be more direct. TITLE is a YA alternative...) in A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAIT,(italics) a YA alternate-world (I don't think this is a true subgenre. Sound more like epic fantasy) fantasy featuring a mystery of otherworldly proportions and a headstrong female protagonist with the power to solve it.
At 18(Spell it out. Eighteen-year-old), Moreina di Bianco is a young healer who believes in medicine, not magic, even while possessing a second sight she can't fully explain. So when a talisman (what sort?) and a thousand-year-old prophecy (Agents and editors can be wary of another prophecy story. You might want to minimize that.) choose Reina to reawaken an ancient magic (what kind?) and find a way to end a war, she must reconcile her beliefs and learn to master the magic. Reluctant to accept help, Reina’s only company on her journey is her estranged and mysterious (Why is she mysterious?) childhood friend, Quinn D’Arturio, and a dashing (Dashing is always good. :-) captain who claims to be her protector. There’s just one problem with her new companions.: They, too, are featured in the prophecy. (But what/who is trying to stop Reina? What is the obstacle she must face? How does the situation get worse?) But what woman wants a suitor, let alone two, when she’s busy defeating an evil general, ending a war, finding the true king, and rightfully seating him on the throne? (Why does she need a true king? How is the war specifically bad? Why does she have to do any of this? What happens if she fails?)
A Thousand Years to Wait,(capitalize) a 99,000 word fantasy (Keep the genre the same. I'd just go with epic fantasy.), is the second novel I’ve completed, but the first I’ve written with the intention of doing something other than stashing in a desk drawer. While I have degrees in subjects completely unrelated to creative writing, writing has long been my true passion. (I think this is okay for Pitchwars, but I wouldn't send it to agents.) Growing up, I was strongly influenced by the world-building talents of Anne McCaffrey and C.S. Friedman and quickly fell in love with both dragons and magic. Comparable titles might include Fans of Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass or White Hart by Sarah Dalton might enjoy this story. As requested, I have included the first ten pages of my manuscript and a synopsis below. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or full manuscript upon request. (Understood. It just takes up room.)
Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon consideration.
Best Regards,
It's never a good thing when the story part of the query is smaller than the bio and genre information paragraphs. Agents and Pitchwars mentors want to know about the story. The rest is icing on the cake. But we need to know the details of the cake first. You want to get the unique ingredients of the plot in front of the reader.
1st paragraph should set up the characters and the obstacle they face. 2nd paragraph details the obstacle and expands on it. Goes into how the situation gets worse. The 3rd paragraph gives the stakes and what bad thing that will happen if the MC fails. The third paragraph also details the choice the MC faces. She can save the world but she might lose her friends sort of thing.
There's just not enough about the plot or characters here yet. Expand and give details and the choice and this will be more compelling.
Good luck and I hope this helps.
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