july 4, 1:25am | fidgeting

fidgeting because i practiced only a little today, since we traveled and since it’s fourth of july. but i did what i wanted to do. low point: scratching the jeep in an attempt to buff out another scratch. high points: petting chickens, maple flavored coffee, taking an inflatable raft to the center of the pond, a little barbecue, my mom’s redwhiteandblue dessert of strawberries, blueberries and angelfood cake (that will stay cute for the rest of my life), and our serene ride back to the city under a sunny sky and through quiet vermont farmland. wore a Jefferson Airplane tshirt and starsandstripes socks.

but through it all i fidget; stretching my fingers, cracking this or that knuckle or wrist, contorting my arms. if i stop i feel a kind of atrophying. but sheesh. fidgeting and restless, typing this on my phone, naked in bed. god forbid i close my eyes.

yesterday we decided at the last minute to zoom to montpelier to see the fireworks. they began as we descended into town from the interstate. we double parked in the first parking lot we could find and watched.

then, when the fantastic display ended, we got in the car and returned home. a bear showed up on the porch, knocking over and emptying out a birdfeeder, dwarfing everything that came before it.

vermont is so beautiful it makes me worry about the fate of the world. like, i worry that it won’t stay beautiful. i don’t know, i always find my mind wondering about the long line. where everything’s ends up, from a book on the shelf to the gravel below my feet. where does it go? or end; i suppose i mean.

too shy to ask my doctor for anxiety pills for my flight. shouldn’t i not feel bashful about talking to my doctor?