The Top Ten Country Artists Perfect for Cracking Open a Cold Non-Alcoholic Beverage with the Boys

As the days get longer and the tanlines get darker, I thought it nothing short of my civic duty to give my definitive ranking of the country artists that will make any cowboy in his blue jeans pick up a cold [Pepsi] and party it up in a cornfield.  Whether you’re celebrating America’s birthday in the bed of a tractor or in a [soda] bar in the middle of small town USA, you’ll find my absolutely final and authoritative ranking of the best country artists to be useful to your frolicking exploits.  So grab your girl, grab your… dude, and have a good time to the tunes that will be blasting out of every tailgate from now through the end of SEC football.

These are the top ten country artists you need to listen to this Independence Day to make you go America AF with the boys:

10. Sam Hunt

 

Like smooth football players-turned hunky musicians?  Like chillin’ it out with a [Coke] and your girl while driving on a back road?  Care for an injection of R&B and Dubstep to your country fare?  Sam Hunt’s got a groove for you.  Especially if you’ve just broken up with someone.  He’s got like half of his catalogue devoted to that.

Tracks to Love: “Body Like a Back Road” is a real candidate for song of the summer. “Cop Car” is a neatly written ode to forbidden love, country-style.

Tracks to Avoid: “Take Your Time,” despite being the song that got him on the map, is clunky, wordy, and about as country as your yoga-loving cousin from San Francisco.

9.  Kelsea Ballerini

 

The queen of country-crossover pop, her honeysuckle-sweet voice and weird obsession with males in baseball caps will make you really really sad that you’re single.  But you deny she’s got spunk and just enough juice for you to rule the square dance at the annual Sherri’s Country BBQ hoedown.

Tracks to Love: “Dibs” is a cute way to see that women are actually just as romantically anxious as your sorry self!  “Yeah Boy” is the affirmation you need to go get that crush of yours.

Tracks to Avoid: Besides being like to fourth single this year to be entitled “Peter Pan,” this song is a glorification of never growing up and breaking hearts in the process.  Grow up, guys.  Please.  Society needs us.

8. Billy Currington

 

Curly-haired and wide-eyed, Billy Currington is who you listen to when you’re really angsty and just want somebody to relate to your predicament.  He specializes in the earnest, gushy jams that you would never sing to your girl because she’ll think you’re Oprah or something.

Tracks to Love: “It Don’t Hurt Like It Used To” is actually country gold, with heartfelt lyrics and classy instrumentation.  “Do I Make You Wanna” is for when you’re on your front porch, sippin’ on sweet tea and thinking about getting out of the friendzone.

Tracks to Avoid: “We Are Tonight” was stolen from Sam Hunt, and personally I like Sam Hunt’s version better.

7. Old Dominion

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This is a pretty new band, but Old Dominion’s debut Meat and Candy is simply so catchy that I couldn’t not include them on this list, despite the fact that their debut is named Meat and Candy.  Perfect band for driving a 4-wheeler down to a lake and going fishing shirtless with your bros.

Tracks to Love: “Wrong Turns” is an arena-ready anthem with clever lyrics about making wrong turns to spend more time with your girl?  “Nowhere Fast” is another driving analogy about a relationship destined to crash and burn – supplemented by intuitive guitar and emotional piano.

Tracks to Avoid: “Song for Another Time” should be saved for another time.

6. Cole Swindell

 

When I first heard him, I thought his voice was nasal and scratchy.  But that’s all part of his down-home charm – he’s a clever son of a gun who has a freaking way with words and Southern stereotypes.  And whiskey.  This is a non-alcoholic zone.  Yeesh.

Tracks to Love: A long time ago, I once took a girl to a lunch and she played “Blue Lights,” the first time I ever heard that song.  The girl didn’t work out, but the song stuck.  Also “Flatliner” gets catchier every time you play it.

Tracks to Avoid:  “Let Me See Ya Girl” is unfortunately all too generic for an artist as clever as Cole.

5. Blake Shelton

 

Man, he just don’t give a crap!  The seasoned country vet has appeared on The Voice, and probably plenty of other places I’m too lazy to research.  Blakey-Blake’s signature pipes always sound like he’s wavering between ice-cold country crooner and total broooo.

Tracks to Love: “Every Time I Hear that Song” is probably one of the catchiest earworms this side of “California Gurls.”  “Came Here to Forget” tells this cool story of a couple meeting after getting dumped by their exes, and then sending revenge Snapchats back to them.  Who says country ain’t modern?

Tracks to Avoid: “Guy With a Girl” takes itself, and whoever the girl is, way too seriously.  I mean I’ve heard more than my fair share of “I’m just lucky to have you” country anthems, but this one is tackier than most.

4. Luke Bryan

 

I know what my boys are thinkin’ – WHAAT?  Only #4?  True, I think Luke’s got some superior competition coming along – but hey, the king of booty-shaking dance moves in a barn can’t be too far down below the top spot.

Tracks to Love: “Roller Coaster” is probably his best cut out of his megahit album Crash My Party, with its inventive analogy and wild vibes.  “Fast” is an ironically slow-paced anthem about the kind of car you want to drive and kid you want for your baseball team.  Oozes manliness.

Tracks to Avoid: IF I EVER HAVE TO HEAR “HUNTING FISHING AND LOVING EVERY DAY” ON THE RADIO AGAIN I’M GONNA GO FULL KANYE. NEVER GO FULL KANYE.

3. Zac Brown Band

 

I’m a little biased because I saw them in concert, but my goodness they were good.  Zac Brown Band can basically do anything.  They can do small town bluegrass and party anthems for the All-American Party alike.

Tracks to Love: “Homegrown” is the song I can play over and over again.  “As She’s Walking Away” is Zac Brown’s answer to any guy worried about getting rejected.  So, any guy.

Tracks to Avoid: This might violate 22 different country music dogmas, but I never found “Chicken Fried” as cool as Zac Brown’s other cuts.  Please don’t slaughter me alive…

2. Keith Urban

 

Keith Urban was the dude who got me into country music.  My friends mock me relentlessly for loving an artist who’s not even American, but you know what?  Without Keith, I never would’ve even found country music, back in January of 2016.  Plus, his guitar solos are sick.

Tracks to Love: “Somewhere In My Car” I have defined definitively as the best country song ever.  What’s more relatable than jamming with a dude thinking about a girl in his car??  “Once In A Lifetime” is absolute madness in the best possible way.

Tracks to Avoid: His newest hit “Blue Ain’t Your Color” could use a little color.

1. Dierks Bentley

 

Ah, Dierks.  So we’ve reached the end of this list.  So much I could say about you.  First I laughed at your name.  Then I laughed at your voice.  Finally I realized that Dierks is probably the most creative bro with the best lyrical chops I’ve ever encountered in God’s great industry of country music.  And now you’re number one.

Tracks to Love: Um, just two?  “Black” is beautiful, contemporary, and lush.  “5-1-5-0,” on the other hand, is a rambunctious joyride of energy and risky [non-alcoholic, obviously] business.

Tracks to Avoid: “Different for Girls.”  Just listen to it.  And then you’ll know.

 

 

Honorable Mentions: Lady Antebellum, Thomas Rhett, Kenny Chesney, Brett Eldredge, Jake Owen

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