Parent: the BGE#2 Blog
A few days ago I was on a radio show to talk about my book Bad Girl Gone Mom. It was the first major publicity I have done for my book, and it was a live interview. I was really nervous but I felt like I held my own as I listened back to the interview with Bax & O'Brien on WAQY 102.1 .
I prepared a little but it wasn't enough and got lost in my thoughts as I tried to answer the questions about how I grew up without a vagina. I had every intention of telling the listeners that I had overcome obstacles, written my book and now I was a professional speaker, but when they asked me about my mom, and suggested maybe she was a bad mother, I almost lost it. I choked up a little, and my mind raced for about 10 seconds. I was thinking that as a kid I hated my mom after I found out about my condition. I blamed her for bringing me into this world and thought she should have aborted me.
As a teen, I really had no idea what it meant to be a parent. Because of my anger towards my folks, I ended up turning my brother and sister into kids who hated my parents too. Things started to change when I had my own daughter, and they changed even more for me, when I had an ectopic pregnancy and realized my mom had had several miscarriages. I was so distraught with one, I didn't know how she went on after several.
I've been a freelance writer for two years now. Both years when mother's day came by, I wanted to write about my mom, but I just couldn't do it. I love her with all my heart, she has been there for me on so many occasions, and yet for whatever reason, I have not felt connected to her like a lot of girls feel with their own moms in some ways and overly emotional in others. I've been wicked independent all my life and in my teens I said some hateful things. My mom heard my interview and said she was really proud of me and that she loved me. She also said she heard the emotion in my voice. I'm not sure if anyone else heard it, but yeah, I choked up and got a little teary. I am grown a lot in these last two years and I am grateful I have my family back.
Since 9/11, I've taken a hard look at my life. I wrote Bad Girl Gone Mom for people who are struggling with promiscuity, sexual or gender development issues and suicide, but it has also been a cathartic healing process for me too. Dumping those secrets has freed my brain to be more positive. I've had some great experiences this last year and my future is very positive.
I was petrified to become a mom. I wasn't ready, I had no experience and I was sure I was going to send my kid into a mental institution by the time she was 10. Fortunately, I was wrong. My kid is fine and things are as they should be. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. You have to love a child enough to let them make mistakes and learn by them. If my folks had not kicked me out in my teens I would probably be dead today. I was just way out of control and the only way they could keep the rest of my family safe was by removing me from the situation.
My parents did the best with me that they could, and I think they did a pretty fine job!
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