Too Many Words Devoted to Paranoia, a Movie that Allegedly Exists

I was in my apartment’s gym and a movie was on and it first caught my attention because it had Liam Hemsworth and Lucas Till and I thought “Weird I didn’t know they were in a movie together” and that made me remember that I always thought it was unfair that Liam Hemsworth got to be a Hemsworth and Lucas Till didn’t even though he deserved it more but that’s how it goes I guess.

Anyway, I had my headphones in but the TV had captions on and I could tell that they were discussing hacking of some kind, and then Liam Hemsworth went to go talk to Gary Oldman and I was like “What the fuck, how is there a movie with Gary Oldman in the last 20 years that I didn’t know about, I always know what Gary Oldman is doing.” This is true of me. I almost always know what Gary Oldman is doing and I also am never surprised when I see a movie, because even if I didn’t see it before, I’m generally pretty aware of all movies that are being made because I’m constantly watching trailers.

Anyway, they were talking about a character named Jock which seemed insane and then they went to go meet with Jock and Jock is guess who Harrison Fucking Ford, who doesn’t even make movies anymore and he was in this playing a character named Jock (!!!) who is bald (!!!). He makes Gary Oldman and Liam Hemsworth take out their phones and then he has this device that goes off and he’s like “My device says you have another phone in his pocket” and so Liam takes his phone out and Jock puts the phone in some water. Liam’s mad because he had a scheme involving that phone and now he’s been foiled.

[A brief but necessary aside about the channel. In the lower right hand corner of the television is the logo for the channel, which is Showcase, and the font is almost identical to Showtime, and it is at this point that I’m warming up to the idea that I’ve slipped into a subtly alternate reality where Showtime is Showcase and this movie is the alternate reality version of Black Hat, which is also an action movie about hacking that stars a Hemsworth, only the difference is I have heard of that movie.]

Then he signs a contract that makes Gary Oldman furious and I’m like what the fuck is this movie, and then one of the phones (or a different phone) lights up and Lucas Till is calling Harrison Ford and it’s really shocking for some reason, and Liam’s like “I got you, I did it with phones and hacking” and I’m sort of putting it together that this is a movie about a guy who is good at making phones but is also a spy. Then the FBI comes to arrest Jock and the FBI is run by Sawyer from Lost and why do I not know what this movie is.

Then Liam goes to a kid’s baseball game to join his dad who is actual Legend Richard fucking Dreyfuss and they chat and it’s nice but like neither of them have kids in this game so what the fuck. Now he has a new job and it looks like he’s trying to win back his girlfriend Amber Heard and also get her a job which seems like a conflict. He’s like “Take the job” and she’s like “I’ll think about it,” “Okay, then let me take you on a date” and she says “No” and he says “At least let me thank you for thinking about the offer” and then he kisses her and the movie’s over. Her name is Emma Jennings which is the kind of name they only make in movies, the FBI agent’s name is Agent Gamble, Jock’s name it should be stressed is Jock, except I went to the Wikipedia page and it turns out his full name is “Augustine ‘Jock’ Goddard” and like how a teenage boy named Augustine got a bunch of his buddies to call him Jock is just about the coup of the century. Variety calls this movie, which is Paranoia, one of the biggest box office bombs of 2013 and further that “Nobody seems paranoid enough” in the movie, Paranoia.