june 19 | 11: 49pm, 5m | later

these first days with the crumb feel like—i don’t know—you know those metaphors where people talk about getting knocked down, but then you stand back up? i feel like that. nothing seems to work. tonight’s sticker-approach, as in, putting stickers on the black notes but not explicitly labeling every note that crumb asks one to pluck, might actually work for me, but probably not with the stickers i used, or the way i affixed them. i think i want little dots. so tomorrow, i’ll take every thing off and try again. meanwhile, i did try playing the pizzicato-only middle movement, and it went like a nightmare. i find that crumb, like cage but totally different, resembles a spiritual practice in that one has to approach it prepared for it to humble them. one has to expect the reward to come later, but that each drop of practice, each day with it, loosens that granitic barrier. one has to believe this. i live in fear, however, because i don’t really have a “later” to speak of—rather, i have about two weeks. no time to get lost in my typical black holes of obsession and compulsion. no, i need to work.