The higher ground is not for me…
Last night, J decided to drop by on Twitter for an attempted defense of himself that went exactly like I knew it would. What he sold and promoted is a-okay, because HE doesn't interpret the tone as promotion of violent sex. Even though the narrative tone of many of the stories was positive. But even though I as the writer told him he was wrong about my book's tone, he gets to interpret it as porn, and he feels this also gives him the right to slander me directly.
After the fight that resulted, some of my friends approached me and told me that I should have taken the higher ground and left it be. Assholes can talk shit and slander me in a forum post, but I, the crazy chick, have to be the better person?
Do you people even know me at all?
Yeah, I get how it's awkward for them cause they're in the same social circles and don't like watching conflict. It's so…so discomforting. But in case nobody noticed yet, I don't care to conform to your expectations of me. Yes, I'm an angry tranny. Yes, I'm likely to snap and go on the attack if you keep poking me with a stick, and especially if you keep calling me a pedophile over and over. But J also said I'm a sexual predator, present tense. Meaning I've been out and about objectifying people and making sexual conquests. He says.
The last two times I've had sex was with my sex toy because my elderly husband, 15 years older than me, had a heart attack, and I can't get laid. Right about now, I'd love to meet a lady between 25-30 who could help me burn off some of this sexual frustration, but as that would require going outside, that plan is a no-can-do. I'm also not on any dating site or any sex sites. Because that would be objectifying people, and I never allow myself the luxury anymore.
Yes, people, this is the dark, terrible secret I've been harboring for six months now. I'm fucking a purple silicon sex toy that smells like grapes, and that I call "Uncle Kevin." I don't even HAVE an uncle Kevin, but for some reason it amuses me to think I'm fucking an incestuous fake cock.
I am not cruising schools for dates. Not colleges, not highs schools, nowhere. I don't look at other people except in short glances. I live my life in quiet desperation because I can never have anything that you people take for granted. All of that was stolen from me by other people who hated me, JUST BECAUSE I was born queer. And because of them, they twisted me into something so awful, I can't talk about my past in public without someone freaking out.
I don't like being a monster, people. On no fucking day do I go, "Hey kids, would you like to have the contempt and hatred of all of society? Would you like to lock yourself indoors and spend every day hating yourself? Then go find a molester, and let them initiate you into the exciting world of sexual abuse!"
I'm pretty fucking sure I've never said anything even remotely like this. Except possibly as a previously cited absurdist example.
No, I'm pretty sure that I've been talking year in and out about what a sheer hell my life is, how fucking hard it is to keep everything under control, and still find little bits of my monster pushing out through my mask anyway. I hate what I am, and I don't want anybody else to go through the hellish life I led.
And, in Texas right now is a new crop of kids who are being bullied, just like me. They'll go to churches and be told that god hates them, just like me. And one day, they may become predators with no conscience, and it won't be society taking the blame for what they created.
I can't do anything for those kids. I can't reach in and pull them free. Hell, where would they go after that? To state services? Those people have a 30% success ratio. They let so many kids slip through the cracks that it's almost better to be with an abusive parent than to have the state as a parent. And you know I can't take care of them. I'm too messed up to be a decent parent. Besides, I could only pull out one or two, and there's THOUSANDS of abused kids in Texas. And you people will ignore them until they turn and snap and become the next generation of monsters. When you find one, you'll even stupidly ask, "Where do these people come from?"
I'd LOVE to explain, but I can't tell you these kids' stories either. Talking about abused kids reacting to their corrupted training isn't trying to highlight a problem in our world. It's promoting it. He says.
Bullshit. You people don't talk about this stuff, and it festers in the victims and makes the next wave of monsters. And those of us who reform and try to keep clean, you won't take us seriously, even though we could tell you how to avoid making another generation of monsters. But, just like you don't care to stop rape, so you don't talk about it, you won't talk about the sexual cycle of violence that takes place in every molester relationship. To you, the monsters are just evil, and they have no excuses for the foul things they've done.
Hypocrites. You look away from rape, ignore racism, roll your eyes at queer discrimination, and you don't say a word about foreign kids raped by troops and politicians. (I read WikiLeaks a lot. Most days, I wish I didn't.) But when a former predator talks openly about their sexuality in an effort to educate people on how the disease starts, you get outraged that I'm promoting the lifestyle. Yes, I can see how the message of "We need better therapy methods to prevent a new generation of victims from being broken and turned into monsters" is exactly the same as "Line the kids up over there, and we'll try to match them to a companion."
The outraged assholes always get to dictate the discussion, and then people tell me, "Zoe, you should take the higher ground. Then you'll look better." Uh, dude called me a pedophile. If I remain quiet, his friends will take that as proof that I am. And even if I do say something, they won't care to read it. They've made up their minds that because I don't enthusiastically endorse prison rape as the only method of dealing with molesters, I must want to promote pedophilia. This is not point A to point B logic. It is point A to point WTF.
No, I am not going to sit quiet while someone attacks me in public about my writing or my personal beliefs. I will especially not take shit from a man who sold me a book with child rape and necrophilia as its central themes.
And to close this rant, I'd like to talk about the "tone argument." J, being a white middle-aged male, does not get speeches from anyone about the tone he takes with me. So he can say whatever shitty things he likes, and no one will point out, "But dude, she's right. You did sell a book with much worse content, so maybe you should back off your claims about her book." No, instead, they'll come to me and say, "Z, maybe you should let him say those things about you and walk away. It's true, his misinterpretation of your writing and ideals could be extremely harmful to you long-term, but you'll really look like the better person if you walk away."
Bullshit. I'll get tarred and feathered, and when I don't say anything, they'll crow about taking care of another crazy. Well this crazy chick isn't interested in staying quiet.
J, keep your criticism to the book. You keep attacking me in a forum, and eventually, you're going to give yourself enough rope for an attorney to work with. I won't care about what you say on my writing, because you're entitled to your opinion. But you keep talking shit about me, and you'll discover that I can hire an attorney in the tri-state area. Not once have I called you anything slanderous, but you have begun attacking me personally. You can knock that shit off and behave like the professional you claim to be, or you can keep talking shit about me and then figure out how to budget for a legal defense of your claims.
Push me, J, but remember, I had to hire a lawyer to change my name and gender. Obviously, I can locate money for an attorney for a slander case too. And, you will lose, because I will wait until you've said something really nasty before I pull the rope. And you will pay for my attorney, your attorney, and all the court costs. So, do you really want to keep attacking me?
