I don’t like myself (poem)

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I don’t like myself

I feel the weight of those words in my mouth

slanderous, murderous, suicidal words

but true words none the less

When someone says they love me

i wonder – god, what’s wrong with them?

something must be, for someone to like me

they can’t possibly be operating with a full deck

I’ve never liked my body, my voice –

well, that’s okay I guess

it’s deep enough to pass for straight

if it weren’t for the hard S on the end hissing

my truth clipped in northern exposure

My mind is as a shattered glass door

painstakingly super-glued back in place

the wind whistles through the cracks and missing pieces

and everything beyond is distorted, surreal, and as

jagged as my tongue

My emotions, God, where do I even start?

If I said, “Is like herding cats.’ would you understand?

Its like many people in a room all talking at once

overwhelmingly present, often unpleasant

and hushes only when someone gets behind the mic to speak

I drink down everything everyone says to me

i roll it over my tongue to try and understand

if they’re right – for I am not sure

and it takes me awhile to run it through the library

of insults and things said about me

with each new one, the methodical search begins anew

Its so bad – I’ll tell you – my image of self

and tho I’ve been married almost four years now

sometimes I wonder if my husband really loves me

or if he stays because people who don’t like themselves

are often amazing in bed.