Ten Things to Learn about Life

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with my sissy and after a hard day of eating a delicious lunch, getting mani-pedis and decimating the sparkling water section of Target, we crashed on her couches with my niece, blathered about our days and scrolled through Instagram and Facebook offerings, accompanied by the dulcet tones of an episode of the Gilmore Girls in the background.

My sister hit on something and announced a list she found of “The Ten Things You Need to Learn to Do in Your Youth.” She then recited a few of these, none of which I’d learned to do in my youth.

I went home and considered this information that pointed to the fact that I’d blown it in my youth, not learning to “drink enough water” or “not to skip a meal.” (Yes, even the former after decimating the sparkling water section of Target.)

And it was then I realized how entirely ridiculous this advice was.

Life happens. Sometimes you forget to grab a water. Sometimes you’re so busy, you skip a meal. But generally, we all know we should drink water and eat because if we don’t do one or the other (definitely both!), we’ll perish from the earth.

As my mind wandered on this topic, it became clear how ludicrous such lists are. If you have this kind of personality, they’re destined, if you’re in your “youth” (and precisely how is that defined?) to fret about doing the “right things” (as decreed by some unknown entity with unknown qualifications, but whoever they are, they’re more than likely not someone you know who knows you and can or even should offer you advice on how to live your life). On the flipside, if you’re not in your “youth,” you can come away feeling like you’ve done something wrong in your life that you weren’t smart enough to learn early to drink enough water or not skip a meal.

In other words, in the end, for many people, these lists do nothing but make you feel stupid or inferior.

That was when I started to get pissed off.

I have no doubts the people making these lists, telling folks how to live their lives, do not have bad intentions. Indeed, it’s more than likely the exact opposite. I mean, really, you should absolutely drink enough water. And I’m no nutritionist, but everyone knows it’s good to eat and do it as healthy as possible.

As my mind continued to wander, it hit on a question someone asked me recently about what I intended my readers to get from my books.

This was a good question because my books are not just love stories. I have a mission in mind. And if you’ve read more than one of my books, it won’t come as a surprise that I hope to guide my fellow sisters into realizing the power of the sisterhood (one united, not divided) but also realizing the fullness of themselves as it currently stands. The operative words with that are “as it currently stands.” No change needed. You are beautiful just as you are. If there is something that needs to change, it’s judging yourself and being too hard on yourself in that judgment, not to mention being too hard on others (who are likely already being very hard on themselves).

So it occurred to me that I should create my own list of advice. Throw my hat in that ring, as it were. And that is what I intend to do right now with KA’s Ten Things to Learn about Life.

1) Don’t read any list that tells you what you need to learn about life or do to change your life or how to live your life or how to dress or what mature women should not do or what young women should do or the kind of man you should find. Ever. Scroll past those puppies on FB, don’t click on them on Twitter. Feel confident in the fact that you’re doing just fine and if you genuinely feel you aren’t, find a bona fide source that can help guide you to doing just fine.

2) Considering number one, you might have stopped reading. If you haven’t, I’ll continue. Read. Or, if you don’t like reading (which if you’re on Goodreads, that’s not likely), don’t. Your choice. In other words, don’t let anyone tell you what it’s important to do with your time. It’s YOUR time. Do what you like. Don’t let anyone give you a complex about liking doing it or that you should be doing something else or what’s important or what’s not. Since it’s your life, guess what? YOU get to set your priorities. And since it’s your life, the priorities you set are the right ones.

3) Make your bed every day. Though, if you’re not tidy, don’t make it. Who gives a crap if your bed is made? …except you. It’s your bed. Make it or don’t. It says not one thing about you if you don’t make your bed…or if you do. So however you like it, have at it. (Read: making your bed, keeping a tidy house, whatever…I’m not saying become a hoarder or live in filth, I’m saying don’t let lists, or anyone, pressure you or make you put labels on yourself because you don’t make your bed and/or you leave the dishes in the sink to do when you have time…rubbish to anyone who casts aspersions on you being untidy, or as is my case, a total neat freak).

4) Woman or man—go out presenting yourself in a positive light. Do your hair. Put on a decent outfit. Wisk on some mascara. Alternatively, don’t. If you’re in lounge pants with your hair in a messy bun at the top of your head and yesterday’s remnants of makeup on your face, but you have got to get to the store or are just not a person who feels like swiping on mascara to face the human populace, whatever. If you look around, it takes all kinds. You’ll see people dressed to the nines buying ice cream and you’ll see people who look like they just rolled out of bed buying salad fixin’s. What they’re wearing, buying, driving and how put together they look absolutely in no way reflects on the person they are. You don’t know them. They’re probably good, caring, kind people however they’re turned out. As for me, I RARELY go out without makeup. This is because a) I like makeup and b) I like how I look in makeup. Do I judge a sister out without makeup? No. So however you want or feel like facing the world, just go for it.

5) Use your turn signals. I’m serious about this. It’s annoying when people don’t use their turn signals. So please, I beg you, use yours.

6) Stop fretting about what’s “right.” This is another serious one too. Our minds are so cluttered with doing what’s “right” in all the incarnations we’re fed of what actually IS “right,” it sometimes feels like everything we do is wrong. For work, I once attended a lecture of a nutritionist and she was getting all these questions about the minutiae of eating. One audience member asked about frozen vs. fresh veg and how they don’t have a lot of money and can’t afford fresh or throwing it away if it spoils so they need to do frozen but they heard frozen doesn’t have the same nutritious value as fresh and… The nutritionist interrupted the person there and said, “Just eat your veg. It doesn’t matter what form it comes in, just eat it.” Simple. Fresh vs. frozen. Organic vs. non-organic. What about antibiotics in chicken? Whatever. What’s right for YOU? What fits in YOUR life? What do YOU like? Do you like concerning yourself with this kind of information? If you do, then go for it. Read up. Know the exact content of sodium of everything. It’s what you dig, go on digging it. If you don’t, you might wanna stop doing it. I once forced down ground macca root for weeks because I heard it is the end all be all and that crap tastes TERRIBLE. Life is too short. Some folks swear by it and love it. It’s not for me, it is for them. Awesome both ways. Moving on…

7) You should grow up. If you’re of a certain age, you should dress it and act it. Or not. If you’re 53 and want to wear an off-the-shoulder top, wear it. If you don’t, then don’t. If there’s a law that states women (or men) should have shorter hair as they mature, I’m moving to a different country. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people “of a certain age” say “I’m [such and such age], but in my mind I’m still 16.” Or 21. Or 32. Okay, I think that’s actually beautiful. Why do we need to be young at heart? If that’s where our head is at, why can’t we just be YOUNG? Obviously, you should pay your bills (non-negotiable) and vote (because, really, it’s a privilege others don’t have and many sacrificed a lot so we could have it, so we should exercise it) and be responsible in a variety of ways that make us good citizens. Outside that, it’s all up to you.

8) You need to focus your attention on the people who have demonstrated they matter. On the other hand, if you like having a huge posse of folks who you love being around and who add to your life, go for that. I know people who do both. They have small circles of friends because they want quality over quantity, and that works for them…splendidly. I know folks who have large circles of friends, all (or most) of whom understand that the time they have is precious so they make the most of it. It isn’t about being spread thin. It isn’t about that one person who doesn’t deserve your time because they are such and such. There are people who are best taken in small doses, but they’re marvelous in that small dose. You don’t get that marvelous if you cut them out of your life because they’re not someone you’ll go on a one-on-one vacation with, though some well-meaning person or some list tells you to cut them out because you won’t. I call rubbish on that too. Though, you might be someone who gets stressed out by the aggravation and needs not to have it in their life. And that’s okay too. Caveat to this in the usual spirit of such lists of sharing something you already know: Toxic folks are just toxic. If someone treats you like dirt, you do not need that in your life.

9) Be kind to yourself. This is another serious one. On many a list that tells you how to live your life, this will invariably be on it. And it’s the only one that actually makes sense. I’m 49 years old and I have not one thing about life figured out. Yes, I’m writing a Top Ten on what to learn from life so this tells you just how valid all this crap I’m writing is. I don’t have it figured out. I never will. You might not either. And that’s okay. How do you cope with this and the demons in your head, the mile-a-minute thought processes, the “I should…I haven’t,” “I will…I didn’t,” “I’m supposed to…I can’t,” BS that inundates your brain? I have absolutely no clue. A friend of mine said she learned to “make room” for the demons. She learned that she can’t trounce them, so she makes room for them, gives them their place, lives her life alongside them and “it works for me.” I have no idea how to do that either. I just know I heard a couple of items from a list of what I should have learned in my youth and instantly started wrestling with the demons that kicked my behind that I might not have had enough water that day, and what was wrong with me that I skipped breakfast and was not hungry after a big lunch so might not have dinner. This came before I got ticked I wrestled with that stuff and found a way to let it go. So I have no answers. You know who does if this kind of stuff is really messing with your head? Bona fide folks who are qualified to give you advice. Suggestion: find one of those to help with that stuff.

10) You need to take risks, travel, try new foods, just simply eat the hell out of life because you only have the one. Then again, it’s YOUR life. What do you want to do with it? Are you a homebody? Do you LIKE sitting in front of the TV? Does taking risks freak you out, you’re pretty content where you are and the only time something shakes that is when someone tells you that you should take more risks or you read a list of what you should be doing that tells you that you need to start doing something else? If it’s the last, be a homebody. You really don’t care to see Italy (or if you’re in Italy, you really don’t care to hit Hawaii)? Don’t. Be who you are because it’s who you are and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. (Though, get some exercise…I know, I’m not an exercise person, but like getting enough water and eating, it goes without saying, but as I’m making one of these lists where pretty much everything goes without saying…it’s important).

11) BONUS: If you actually get something out of lists that might give insight in how to better yourself, live in your head, enhance your life, then…ENJOY!

With all this said, of course, if there’s someone in your life that you know, say, your doctor or a caring family member or friend who is helping you work through a crisis or even just a hangnail, disregarding their educated, thoughtful or caring advice does not apply. Just sifting through it to make sure it works for the person you are does.

That’s it. I’m done.

Time to do the only thing I definitely know I’m doing right.

ROCK ON!