A Timely Warning or Bird Feeder Blues

I live in an idyllic rural area where hilly pastures are interspersed with woods and creeks. Wildlife abounds. We have deer, foxes, bobcats, raccoons, squirrels, birds of all types. And I discovered that in addition to the ubiquitous roadkill that lines the highways and byways of Texas, live armadillos actually exist. I have seen them.

Well, all was peace until I bought a Squirrel-Proof Bird Feeder.

Fatal error.

A Squirrel-Proof Bird Feeder has a central clear plastic cylinder to hold the seed. There are six open ports at varying levels in the cylinder. Each port is lined by a metal ring with a small perch. A sturdy metal cage encloses the cylinder, and it is topped by a heavy dome-shaped lid which screws on tightly. The cage admits the birds, but keeps squirrels at bay. Theoretically.

I filled my bird feeder with seed, screwed on the top, and hung it from a post oak tree fifteen feet from my elevated deck. I placed a birdbath nearby in the shade of the tree. Thereafter, I retreated to my deck to observe. I sat in my Adirondack chair with a tall glass of ice water and a short glass of scotch.

The birds discovered the feeder very quickly. In a matter of hours, my yard was alive with cardinals, blue jays, chickadees, titmice (I hope that’s the plural of titmouse), and even painted buntings. Mourning doves ate the seed that fell to the ground. It was a pleasure to watch them.

By the third day, the squirrels discovered the bird feeder. Those busy little fellows went to work. They hung on the cage like children on monkey bars—some right side up and some upside down. They extended their tiny paws into the ports and shoveled out the birdseed until there was more on the ground than in the bird feeder. They occasionally rocked the bird feeder so hard that it came loose from the tree and fell to the ground, spilling seed everywhere. Either way, it was mission accomplished. They scampered down and proceeded to feast.

If I yelled at them or threw rocks (which I did with gusto), the squirrels ran away. Fifteen minutes later they returned.

At night, the raccoons showed up. Those bandits made the squirrels look like amateurs. Not only did the raccoons knock the bird feeder out of the tree, they actually dismantled the whole thing. In the morning, I found the lid still attached to the cage in one place, the empty cylinder and its attached bottom disc five feet away, and three of the metal ports torn off and scattered on the ground. The raccoons had unscrewed the darn thing and used enough force to bend the metal disc in the process. To put it back together, I had use a hammer to flatten and reshape the metal.

The poor birds, meanwhile, had to wait for the squirrels and raccoons to finish and hope there was something left for them.

So, here is my timely warning: A Squirrel-Proof Bird Feeder is a hoax perpetrated by the manufacturer. To make this $35 contraption truly squirrel-proof, one little accessory is needed: a .22 semiautomatic rifle. Although your birds will eat, and you will enjoy target practice, that does drive the cost up by about $500.

For another $699, you can throw in some night vision goggles and take care of the raccoons, too. So there you have an effective and truly squirrel-proof package for only $1,234.00.

Should you choose, however, to buy the $35 model, let there be truth in advertising; what you’re really getting is a Bird-Proof Dadgum Varmint Feeder.