Need Help Again – Query Letter

Alright my village – I’m having problems with the clarity of my query letter….I think I’m too close to the subject – tell me what you think and what YOU need clarified. Especially for those who haven’t read the series…yet!

The Vortex is about 14-year-old Addeline who must rescue her brother, Ian, from the Florida swamp when he disappears and her sister, Fiona, after she’s kidnapped by a kelpie when their parents leave the country and the children realize they are trapped in a cryptozoological vortex with Aunt Tabitha and Uncle Buster.

Addeline must find the fabled unicorn horn to save them and reunite the family. After Aunt Tabitha and Uncle Buster are poisoned by goblins and left unconscious, Addeline secures the horn, but a changeling from the Fairy Realm threatens to destroy all the plans that she has set into motion. Now, with time running out, Addeline must rescue Ian from the Skunk Ape, and then save Fiona from becoming a mermaid.

As always thanks to my brilliant village – it takes one to sell a screenplay!