The Importance of Preferences
“I no longer have any idea what my preferences are,” a young mother lamented to me last week as she struggled with her unhappiness in her job. It’s a common problem for busy people and particularly mothers. In fact, if you study the word ‘mothers’, you can see it split between ‘m’ and ‘others’, yes? Isn’t being a mother mostly about others? Of course it is!
If you, like this young woman, are feeling completely lost in OPPS! (Other People’s Problems), here’s what I learned and what I suggest to get back in touch with yourself. Why? Are you thinking, why should I bother? It will be years before the kids grow up!
Let me explain…even if it’s going to be eighteen years before your youngest leaves home, your world and your life will benefit from you finding a way to listen to and explore your own inner world now. It’s a heartache to wake up one day years later and realize you don’t have a clue what you want from life—a tragedy! If you pay attention to what your heart and mind are saying to you right now and follow your instincts, you’ll continue to grow into your own wonderful self while the kids are growing UP.
Might I suggest that you try this:
Next time if someone asks you what you prefer, state a preference. Please don’t say, “It doesn’t matter,” or “whatever everyone else wants”. Where did we get the idea that we should do that? OK, it’s not life and death choice but a little bit of who you are is cut off if you decide that your opinion or preference doesn’t matter. If we don’t state our preferences, we become less visible to ourselves and others. Eventually it can become a habit so that we completely forget why we matter. Remember that you are unique in all the world.
As you go to sleep at night, let your eyelids close while picturing an idea that means something to you—a ‘wouldn’t it be nice if’ scenario. Like, ‘wouldn’t it be nice if my husband and I could get a date night soon’? Or, ‘wouldn’t it be nice if my friend and I could take an afternoon and go shopping, attend an art class, etc.?’ Put it out there and sleep on it.
Take one small step toward what you desire and watch out for the resistance that might show up–all the reasons you can’t—because you can and then you must because if these preferences aren’t honored they can become quite irritating. Angry people are sometimes those who haven’t taken care of themselves—haven’t honored their preferences–because they don’t feel they have the right. Of course we’re upset when we can’t be ourselves!
So, give yourself a break—five minutes of peace and quiet, a manicure, massage, watching your favorite TV show, reading a blog. Even a trip to the grocery store is heavenly when you can go alone. There are chances every day to catch up with yourself. Look for opportunities—ask them to show up and honor them when they do. Then when someone asks whether you prefer red or white wine, tell them, even if you see that no one has opened the bottle of white wine yet!Your preferences, in turn, will honor you and brighten your life.
Vivian!
Read more about the importance of preferences in ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife…Until I Learned THIS’, Probst’s memoir, just released. Available on-line and in bookstores.
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