This is Me
I know that last week I announced that I was going to be running a weekly post on Mondays discussing the lesser known and more interesting grammar rules that the English language has to offer. This was later expanded to allow me to travel down the road of Etymology. However, this is a reactionary post which kind of needs to be placed right away otherwise I will just look out of touch and also the moment may well have passed.
As you may have read in my ROW80 update on Saturday (Sunday) I mentioned a post written my friend Kristen Lamb which led to a sleepless night, countless hours of soul-searching and some interesting self discoveries. Well, here I am. This is me broken into pieces and put back together again, and I will ask you all the soon to be famous (indie)Author question…
AM I STICKY?
To truly understand what I am talking about you will need to read Kristen's post, but the basic principle is that we shouldn't sell work to other writers, but to readers. Sounds simple right? That's what I thought, but then I went through my friends list and realized that almost all my social media contacts while being readers on some level , are in fact predominantly writers.
This then led me to the question of Who Am I? Since I decided to take my writing serious and myself as writer serious – which I was surprised to find really are two different concepts – I have worked hard to build up a circle of friends and acquaintances; name recognition and a platform for my work. Basically I have tried to approach every writing buzzword I could find. The success of that is neither here nor there with regards this post, but I am seeing constant progression so I read that as me doing the right thing. But is that really me? Sure I am updating it, and I am not writing about things I don't believe in or would not back myself, because I am quite simply not ruthless enough (in a business sense) to do that.
As I sat back and stared at the screen, I asked, 'there's more to me than just this. Right?'
The rather unfortunate answer is no.. not anymore. Ok, I have my wife and children, but they do not form part of my writing world, simply because I want to keep them separate. That way, should I ever become as successful as I allow my dreams to portray I know that my private life is just that. Sure I may reference them from time to time but my kids are my kids, they are not just part of some business module I have been working on.
What else is there to the current me? Work…. oh yes the place I devote 40 hours (and as close to the exact figure as if physically possible) each and every week. No, that doesn't really help. It's a boring job that is simply a rather unfortunate necessity rather than something I do because I enjoy. Outside of work, traveling to work and writing time, all squeezed around playing with and raising the children, I am left with a number of rather small windows in which to do something. Factor in time spent with my wife and my rather drastic social abilities – by that I mean social in person, face to face – my options seem to be rather limited. What I am essentially looking for would apparently be a social activity that can be done alone, and doesn't take more than 30 minutes. (Anybody who reads that statement out loud please remove your minds from the gutter.)
This is not to say that I have no hobbies, I have. Over the years had plenty. I played golf from the age of 6 (1990) until I moved to the Netherlands in 2006, and I used to love – to the point of obsession… no not even to the point of (now that I think about it) but to the border and then straight on passed without even a glance in the rear-view mirror – going to the gym. Working out in any form. I would follow the supplement and training regimes, study the research articles, try all manner of supplements – all legal and natural -, training twice a day 6 days a week and once on Sunday. Of course I like reading and plan to one day read at the same rate I used to – once the children have grown up that is – and movies used to be a big part of my life. I loved watching movies. I was no master on the subject, I couldn't name directors off the top of my head or claim that the cinematography of one movie was better than another for any reason more in-depth than… it looked nicer, but hey-ho it turns out that everybody is not a critic.
Money was a big factor in my stopping several of these hobbies, namely the gym and golf, but having kids means sacrifices have to be made for financial reasons and matter of time, golf is a good 5 hours including travel etc, and to be enjoyed and worth the investment needs to be a regular event, and I have no qualms about stopping, for I know that one day I will play again. The thing that really struck me when I looked back was that each and every one of my hobbies, no matter how much it got me into the real world were always done alone. Gold, I would either play with my father and grandfather or alone, the gym I would go with my father, but ultimately we followed different training schedules and ideologies and so I would train alone. Reading and movie watching are kind of self-explanatory (until I met my now wife when she joined me for the movies but still, limit social opportunities arise from such an event) and writing, which has been a passion of mine since long before I consciously chose to become a writer is something I can only really do alone. I shut myself off when I am behind the screen and can lose track of time in such large chunks they would be recorded on a calendar rather than a stopwatch.
I am not for one second saying or even hinting that I should not have given up these hobbies for my family, but rather am cursing myself for not developing better social skills whilst doing them. I am sure there are a great many factors and elements of blame I could place. Being sent to an all girls school – there were 5 boys in the school all of them at least 1 year younger than me – from the ages of 8-11 (approx) to go straight into a predominantly male school from the ages of 11-16 I am sure played a part. Constant years of bullying and intimidation of the fat kid I am certain had some deep-seated lasting effect, as did that fact that I was sent to what were officially boarding schools – on average 60 minutes away on the bus but as a day student did not help, as the few friends I did develop did not live anywhere near me, and as I child friends far away were not really that much use. Yet, the only person to blame is myself.
I do not enjoy social interaction, I avoid it at all costs, but I am learning that sacrificing sleep and lunch breaks to write and promote my work is not enough. The real sacrifice to achieving my goals is to get out of my comfort zone, stand up and really challenge myself by getting out there and meeting people.
As Kristen – remember her, she is the great lady who I referenced at the start of this rant / lifestyle breakdown – said, if our list of social contacts is composed of nothing but writers, we are trying to achieve the impossible. To become a bestseller by selling to other writers, out competition, and granted writers read others writers work and are a very supportive bunch, a great deal of our time is spent either writing out own material or reading to study the genres we like, rather than reading for pleasure. (Another difference I am leaning about, and a nice idea for a post later in the week)
Non-writer friends, or readers are the people we need to be selling to. Those that will read for pleasure, and will recommend because they are as passionate about reading as we authors are about writing. The real question however lies in the answer. Non-writing friends. Where can I fiend non-writing friends. It would be handy if there were like personal adds in the paper. You know, you have Man seeks Woman, Woman seeks Man, Man seeks Man, ….Writer seeks Reader for companionship, expansions of writing knowledge, sound of board and all around point of social contact with the real world. GSOH a must.
Sadly however, this does not exist. The only way to make non-writer friends is to interact with people who are not writers. To develop interests outside of the writing world that I we shut ourselves in all too readily. The added bonus of having more friends away from the writing scene whether confessed readers or not, is that we will overhear conversations, we will see people and places, event and locations, we effectively be introduced to a whole and previously hidden world filled with potential characters, ploys, sub-plots, heroes and villains and all other wonderful goodies that will leave any writer salivating at the thought.
Who would have known that taking a step back from writing every now and then will actually mean you learn more about. I know it won't be an easy road, and I am faced with the added tricky task of making real life friends in a Non-English speaking country, however maybe I can turn it around and develop my online network further and improve my social skills in areas of general interest to myself before I let myself loose into the wild. The one thing I know is that I want to make my writing a success and I will not let something as silly as a social phobia (of sorts) stand in my way. If I can do it, we can all do it. So lets raise out glasses and salute those non-writers out there who will become out guides, our muses and hopefully out friends.
