
Does anyone else remember a time when you’ve been feeling crappy for ages, but then suddenly you start to show it and you confess that you’ve not been feeling great for a while and then your friend or whoever says, “why didn’t you tell me?” Well, the obvious answer is because we’re not allowed to be not fine in this society.Because not fine is an inconvenience.Not fine means you can’t function properly.Not fine means people need to look after you.Not fine means you’re unstable.Not fine means you’re vulnerable.Not fine means you’re weak.Not fine means you’re no longer any fun.Not fine means you’re not you.And who in their right mind would want that, right? So we go on pretending we’re fine when we’re not.Well, I’m about to break the mould. I AM NOT FINE. #SorryNotSorryI’m not fine, and I might not be for a while. I’m not fine and I’m saying it now with trembling lips and watery eyes. I’m not fine and I’ll tell you what that means for me…It means I find it difficult to do some things, but I’ll try to do them anyway.It means life is getting to me right now, but I do know it will get better.It means I’m human because sh*t happens to all of us.It means I have emotions.It means I am trying to be better and achieve better and that is a hard and tiring road.It means I want you to hold me sometimes.It means I want you to say “I don’t understand fully, but I hear you and I’m here for you whilst you go through this”.It means I feel lonely even when I’m surrounded by people, because dark feelings can do that to a person.It means I want you to keep asking me to do things even if I always say no, and I do apologise for saying that.It means I’m trying.It means I’ve felt good before and will feel good again but I recognise that right now I don’t feel good in myself, and it hurts and it frightens and it drains.It means I want and need more from myself or from the world.It means my lens, my focus has shifted and all I see is ugliness right now; which also means I need you to help me see the beauty again.It means I’m fighting, and I’m in like the hundredth round in the ring and I’ve lost so many rounds and my face is all bloody but god damn it, I’m still standing, even with buckling knees.So don’t be scared when someone says they’re not fine. They’re allowed to be not fine and so are you. SO ARE YOU. Not fine doesn’t equal doom. Not fine doesn’t mean depression for life. Not fine doesn’t mean medication for life. Not fine doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak or stupid or a failure.Because it takes so much strength to not be fine and still trot on. It takes so much strength to not be fine and admit it. So, be stronger than the rest and don’t be afraid to speak the words.
Published on September 18, 2016 04:45