Here's why that new 'Battle of the Network Stars' can't work

Apparently, a commercial aired on the most recent episode of “Dancing with the Stars” hyping the upcoming return of the beloved (by me at least) TV show “Battle of the Network Stars.” Because “Dancing with the Stars” is a show I do not – and never, ever will – watch, I did not see this ad. (Several friends, knowing my love for the original "Battle," alerted me to its presence.) But, even though I know none of the specifics of the “Battle of the Network Stars” reboot, I feel confident in stating that it has exactly zero chance of being good, let alone reaching the glorious heights of the original. I feel qualified to make such an argument because (a) I’m the proud owner of a bootleg set of “Battle of the Network Stars” DVDs and (b) I’ve watched them all. More than once.

By the way, I deliberately didn’t want to make this yet another cranky Gen-X diatribe and say “all the good TV stars are dead or too old.” Sure, I love the original shows because folks like Telly Savalas, Lee Majors, Lynda Carter, Erin Gray and Fred “Rerun” Berry are in their prime, but there are plenty of actors and actresses who would be fun to watch these days – probably more, in fact. (And I'd be willing to bet that Mark Harmon, who dominated in the '80s as a cast member of "St. Elsewhere," would still be pretty formidable 30-odd years later.)

However, having said that, there is one loss that cannot be overcome:


1. Howard Cosell is dead. This is the big one. The legendary sportscaster wasn’t just the announcer for the original "Battle of the Network Stars," he was its heart and soul. Sprinkling fifty-dollar words into descriptions of Ann Jillian getting stuck in a kayak, he was able to lift this cheap, cheesy competition to Olympic levels. What’s more, he was in on the joke. A modern host – any modern host – would be unable to resist constantly winking to the audience. But not Cosell. I can’t understand how he resisted over all those episodes, but I’m grateful he did. (For more on this topic, see Reason 4.) Cosell's passing alone is enough to guarantee any reboot, no matter who the host is, could never equal the original. Don’t believe me? Watch the 1985 edition of the show, when Dick Van Dyke stepped in. Van Dyke is a showbiz legend, but even he didn’t have Cosell’s special spark or willingness to leer over the female athletes. Which brings me to…


2. All that vintage sexism just won’t fly these days: Let’s be honest: The entire reason this stupid (glorious, life-affirming) show ever landed a timeslot in the first place was that it was conceived  during the golden age of so-called “Jiggle TV,” when “Charlie’s Angels” and “Three’s Company” (both ABC shows, just like “Battle”) earned big ratings by tailoring plots to show the maximum amount of female flesh, preferably in motion. “Battle of the Network Stars” merely eliminated the need for a plot, putting those female stars in tight, revealing outfits and using any excuse to get them wet. (Why else, in the midst of actual semi-athletic events, did they make sure to include a dunk tank segment?) If you’ve only seen the edited versions of “Battle” on ESPN Classic, you haven’t seen how far the show was willing to go – there are “biographical” segments on actresses like Lynda Carter, where Cosell’s narration focuses almost entirely on her physical attributes, and much of the footage featured Carter (no joke) jumping on a trampoline. Whether you find this sort of thing appalling or hilarious, one thing’s for sure: There’s going to be nothing like it in a 21st century “Battle.” That may be a positive thing in the big-picture, good-for-society-as-a-whole sense, but dated elements like this are what made the original “Battle” a unique – and uniquely ‘70s – experience. And they're why the show is so fascinating to watch these days.

3. The financial incentive for all-out competition won't be there: There’s no shortage of actors and actresses competing in events on TV, like “Celebrity Jeopardy" and “Chopped All-Stars,” but being rich celebrities, their possible winnings are earmarked for favorite charities. I’m all for helping others, but one of the strange charms of the original “Battle of the Network Stars” was knowing those stars were playing for real money that they would take home --  members of the winning team got $20,000 each, which was no small payday for, say, the fourth-billed brother on a “Dallas” spinoff. That financial incentive led to a certain determination to win that today’s celebrity competitions just can’t match. And I'm damn sure that any modern version of the show will have every dime of the winnings earmarked some some worthwhile charity. Good for humanity, bad for entertainment.

4. Everything is a joke these days: This might sound hypocritical coming from a guy with the word “smartass” in his Twitter bio, but any modern take on “Battle of the Network Stars” is going to be fueled by a certain wink-wink, nudge-nudge snark on the part of not just the host (see Reason #1) but everyone involved. The original celebs certainly knew the whole show was a joke, but they mostly played it straight and never tried to make the whole thing “meta.” In fact, they seemed to take the actual competition seriously (see Reason 3), making a concerted effort to defeat their fellow celebs. And some of them took it VERY seriously: In a legendary moment from the very first “Battle,” CBS coach Telly Savalas protested the relay because he claimed the NBC team (led by TV tough guy Robert Conrad) cheated in the handing off of the baton.  After a heated argument (at least on the part of Conrad), it was determined that special race would be run to settle matters, and pudgy ABC team captain Gabe Kaplan surprised everyone by destroying lean, mean Robert Conrad on the track. Everyone, including Howard Cosell and CBS team captain Telly Savalas, had a good laugh over this. Everyone, that is, except Conrad, who was still obviously pissed. I just can’t see the self-aware, too-cool-for-school stars of today having the same dedication to winning, or be as willing to look like jerks on camera. (I’ll talk more about the Conrad-Kaplan-Savalas argument in Reason 6 – it really is one of the greatest things ever to happen on ‘70s TV -- but in the meantime, you can watch the whole thing here.)

5. There are just too many networks: Or at least channels. Back in the day, there were three networks, which guaranteed the competition was easy to keep track of. (Even when, for example, in 1981 when ABC stalwart Gabe Kaplan competed on the NBC team during the run of his forgotten post-“Kotter” show, “Lewis & Clark,” it was easy to remember who was who.) Sure, PBS was also around in those pre-cable days, but they were too classy for this sort of lowbrow nonsense, a concept brilliantly spoofed in this SCTV segment:


But nowadays, with all three networks still hanging in there, plus Fox, FX, AMC, HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, TBS, Nick at Nite, Netflix, Hulu, the new streaming services that have sprung up since I typed the last sentence and whatever idiots your kids are making famous on You Tube, it’s just too much.  It’s great to be living in the age of Peak TV, and sure I’d love to see Jon Hamm, David Lynch, Charlie Day, Carrie Coon, the cast of “Game of Thrones” and Larry David compete for the title, but the logistics would be a nightmare. Every episode of the original “Battle of the Network Stars” ended with a tug of war, which rewarded the audience with  entertaining footage of TV stars in what appeared to be actual pain and discomfort. But a rope only has two ends. How many round of elimination are we going to have to sit through to get down to two teams?


6. It’s a different time, man: Let me share something was said during the first “Battle of the Network Stars” back in 1976, during the aforementioned relay controversy. Robert Conrad, angry that someone had the nerve to dispute his team's victory, is talking to Howard Cosell about CBS captain Telly Savalas and ABC captain Gabe Kaplan. Read the quote below, then tell me if it would (a) be aired today, and if so (b) how quickly the internet would become a firestorm of outraged comments:

Robert Conrad: “He is Greek, and the Greek are famous athletes. That’s how this all started. He’s Jewish. He wants to arbitrate! I’m German. I want to kill both of them!” (Then, just to add to the fun, “One Day at a Time” star Pat Harrington pops up and says “And I’m Irish, and I’m looking for another mick to hit!”)

Everyone has a good laugh and moves on, because this was 1976. But 41 years later, you’re never going to get that sort of comment on a TV show, and if you do, it will be followed by a flurry of social media mea culpas. I’m not saying we need that sort of insulting talk in 2017, but part of the charm of the original "Battle of the Network Stars" – a large part, in fact – was the chance to see these celebrities, whom we didn’t know via Twitter or Facebook or 900 reality shows, let their hair down and let their tongues slip. Plus, if you needed more proof that it was a different time, know that during this scene, both Conrad and Savalas are happily puffing away on cigarettes -- during what’s supposed to be an athletic competition. You're just not going to get images like that on a slick, knowing modern (and post-modern) production. Instead, you'll get lots of product placement for Gatorade and Nike shoes. Which brings me to the last, and most important point...

7. It's all -- and I mean ALL -- about the nostalgia: Let's face it. I loved watching "Battle of the Network Stars" when I was a kid for three specific reasons. One, it had the stars of all my favorite shows battling it out in semi-athletic competition. You just didn't see that sort of thing in those days. Two, it had the female stars of my favorite shows wearing bathing suits and drenched in cold water. Again, you just didn't see that sort of thing in those days. But three, and most crucially, there's this: I was a dumb kid. I can't remember if my parents watched "Battle of the Network Stars" with me, but I'm sure if they did, their eyes were rolled back into their heads at the sheer inanity that had somehow taken over their TV set. Back in the '70s and '80s, when all of this was new, I can only imagine how dumb it looked to any semi-intelligent adult. It must've seemed like the tackiest, most shameless ratings grab of all time, several notches below "The Gong Show" or "The Paul Lynde Halloween Special." But I loved it as a kid -- because, like most kids, I was dumb. And now, I love it as an adult, because I'm smart enough to see that it was dumb. Gloriously, innocently so. I really do love "Battle of the Network Stars," but I love it because it's a hilarious, fascinating time capsule of an earlier, less self-aware time. I don't love it because it was, in any way, actually good. In the same way that "Dancing with the Stars," "Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab" and any of the various "Real Housewives" shows are, basically, terrible, a new "Battle of the Network Stars" would be objectively bad. This sort of thing is only amusing when you put a few decades of distance between it and the viewer.

That's why a modern version of "Battle of the Network Stars" can't really work. It'll be too slick, too self-aware and too willing to endless reference the original version in some hip, knowing way. Just as the new "Match Game" is really a spoof of the original "Match Game," with Gene Rayburns' original mic but minus the alcohol-fueled cast, a new "Battle of the Network Stars" would be a 21st century "take" on the original, with an additional set of ironic quotes surrounding everything and elements like the dunk tank, the tug of war and the Simon Says game repurposed to reassure modern audiences how damned clever they are. You check out the new version, no doubt airing right after "Dancing With the Stars." Me, I'll stick with my bootlegs copies of the original.

Where else can I see Billy Crystal choose Todd Bridges over Victoria Principal for the dunk tank? It really was a different time. A very different time.