On My Shelf: Nukie (1987)

I've seen a lot of bad movies, so it's very rare for me to say something like, "This is one of the worst movies I've ever seen."

But this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. 


Plot: Nukie and his brother Niko are star children of some nature, flying around the universe. Niko screws around and flies too close to the Earth, and he and Nukie get separated -- Niko landing somewhere that American scientists can pick him up, and Nukie landing somewhere in the African bush. Niko is inexplicably tortured by the scientists (they do things like burn his eyes with lasers. What possible scientific purpose could that serve, other than torturing him?) and spends the rest of the movie yelling, "Nukie! Nukie! Where are you?" and Nukie spends the rest of the movie wandering around the African bush, yelling, "Nico! Nico, where are you?" There's also some stock footage. But the bulk of this movie is Nukie wandering through the African bush with a runny nose.
I couldn't decide whether Nukie looked more like a sentient pile of
crap, or a dried-out, dead monkey.I won't say that there are zero surprises in this movie. There's a scene where Nukie makes music and fireworks happen, somehow. There's a scene when Nukie talks to a monkey. And there's a scene when Nico makes one of the scientists think that he (the scientist) is a clown.
There's also a scene where Nukie gets shot in the stomach
with tranquilizer darts. That was kind of a surprise.But honestly, the bulk of this movie is largely just boring. The human plots, such as they were (something about the scientists and the computer learning to have humanity -- and I honestly don't know what the heck was going on in that African village) made no sense. Luckily, only about 10% of the movie was composed of the human plots -- the things I mentioned here were the highlights. The rest of the film -- Nico yells, "Nukie!" and Nukie yells, "Nico!" and one lies on a table, and the other wanders through fields -- and that's the movie for you. I'm not even kidding; most of this movie is just one character wandering around and calling for another character. 
This poster is 100% more exciting than the
actual film.We reached a point where we were just fast-forwarding through scenes of nothing so that we could get to the end faster. It was a hideously dull film, lacking any of the charm, fun, or good special effects that were the hallmark of the movie it ripped off (E.T.). Heck, this movie made Mac and Me look good by comparison. It had zero redeeming qualities.
In the end, it's not even a good bad movie. 
(Extremely)NOT RECOMMENDED