Disintegration and Reconstruction of Self
The disintegration of self is defined as incompleteness and inconsistency with one’s word. When we give our word, and we don’t do it, it becomes a disintegration of our self when we chip away our sense of completeness. I had experienced being fragmented and split into different pieces, and lost my sense of identity for many years. To the point that looking at myself is unbearable. I loathe my appearance. I could not answer, “who I am.” Since studying the work of integrity, it is apparent to me now that this was a condition of being “out of integrity.”
The moment I set structures in place to honour my word and do what I say I will do and doing it on time – my life got cleaned up. The ambiguous become clear. I can decline, and say “no” when I can’t do it. This year I had turned down countless of requests to drink alcohol. It was hard initially to get others to respect my boundaries, but I have to be my word and not drink when I write. It is detrimental to my quality of life, and my writing output. When I drink, I make mistakes and instead of constructing and fulfilling on my projects on time, it becomes a deconstruct and I have to switch off the screen and get a detox. In the Russian Ballet, if a dancer is caught drinking, he would be fired on the spot and his whole life career and reputation is gone in an instant.
I have finally been able to take selfie shots of myself, as myself, and not be disgusted by it. In fact, now I feel happy and overjoyed to wake up and start the day. I am fresh and up early in the morning, way before my alarm clock. I am expressive, alive and full of life. This sense of completeness is due to the fact I had been honouring my word as who I am. But it is a mountain with no top, and I will keep climbing to find out where my word is missing or lacking. Sometimes I do forget things I say or did not do what I say, but I know right now I can restore it by saying, “sorry I am not doing it.” It’s a great place to be. I am excited for the launch of my third book, for my short stories to be published, for the upcoming trips and travels, and the dances I will dance as I lose myself on the dance floor.
I have taken to dancing on the streets randomly to the wind, as it has been windy and the music made me break out into a dance. No one looks anyway. I have no more fears about dancing solo in public. I am full of life, it is my self-expression of my soul song, that I want to dance when no one is looking, and dance for the joy of dance itself. I love myself, my life, my family, friends, the community, society and world.
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