imaginarycircus:“Yesterday, we reported that a passel of...

imaginarycircus:

“Yesterday, we reported that a passel of grotesque Dickensian
caricatures gathered in the House of Representatives to vote, by a
margin of 217-213, to let poor people die and to punish women for the
blasphemy of having a vagina, effectively putting some 24 million
Americans at the perpetual risk of poverty should they fall victim to
accident or debilitating disease—a monstrous display of selfishness
that, by their own admission, many of them performed solely out of
adherence to partisan dogma and unabashed spite, and a ghoulish,
symbolic bloodletting ritual that they then commemorated by drinking Bud Light. However, we have now learned that they did not, in fact, drink Bud Light.

We hereby offer this retraction.

Amid
the rush to report on the passage of a bill that removes mandates to
insure people with pre-existing conditions—which now includes everything
from alcoholism to sexual assault—essentially defunds Planned
Parenthood, and rolls back Medicaid protections for low-income families,
and cover the celebration that President Trump had subsequently
organized in the Rose Garden so that he and his fellow gloating
jackasses could laugh at all the people whose wellbeing they’d put into
jeopardy, just to prove that they’re big, strong boys, many
writers—ourselves unfortunately included—seized upon sightings reported
from inside the Capitol of a cart laden with Bud Light, and we
irresponsibly repeated it.

We assumed, incorrectly, that this Bud Light was intended to be the
cheap swill that would briefly douse the taste of brimstone licking the
throats of these pasty wraiths as they boarded a bus headed toward their
feast of bones, where they would cackle over their selfish destruction
of millions of lives while slapping each other on the back, the utter
hollowness inside creating a reverberating, tympanic sound that was
barely discernible over their thick-tongued clucking about all the blood
money they would reap and the aluminum crush of beer cans against
skulls.

However, it turns out the Bud Light wasn’t actually for them.

In this era of “fake news,” it’s more important than ever to not let
unverified rumor or libelous insinuation get in the way of the facts of
the matter, which is that a bunch of soulless, greedy, waterlogged
copies of Atlas Shrugged stuffed inside ugly suits stood around
the White House yesterday, laughing and jacking each other off about how
they’d successfully sentenced so many of their constituents to die just
so they and their cronies could get a huge tax break, but while doing
so, they most definitely did not drink Bud Light.

We regret the error.”

AV Club retraction is a thing of beauty and a joy forever