I’m so scared I’m screwing up
I have three realtors coming next week to appraise my place. The plan for a while now has been to move out of Auckland, but now I’m facing this as an increasingly urgent financial necessity.
As I mentioned last year, my mom had to leave work and she lives with me now. Although New Zealand has excellent public health care, it doesn’t cover things like the neurophysio who helps my mom keep mobile.
As soon as I realized I was financially responsible for both of us I started applying for any and all jobs I was vaguely able to do. I haven’t even gotten an interview. This has not been a surprise. I’m over 40 and overqualified. As an introvert I don’t have a good network, and in New Zealand most jobs come from who you know.
If it was just me I could live in the back of my car if I had to, and shower at the gym. I’ve given this a lot of thought: it’s always good to have a contingency plan, right? But I can’t ask an older woman with MS to do the same. I have to find somewhere that can be a home for us both, and which I can afford to buy outright.
I’m feeling crushing guilt. I should have been – I should be – a better provider. When I started my PhD I assumed once I finished I’d be able to get reliable, stable work as an academic, which is a sign of my horrible naivety.
As a kid I thought I would run my life more successfully than this. For forty years I’ve been showing ‘potential’ but never managed to turn it into actually being good enough at anything. I feel like I made poor decisions my whole life, and now I’m making another.
I know I’m lucky. I’m lucky I had work for as long as I did. I’m lucky my daughter grew up into a functioning adult and is out there living her life. I’m lucky I snuck onto the lowest rung of the property ladder in the 90s recession. I’m lucky Auckland house prices rose 325% since then. I’m extremely lucky New Zealand has good unemployment benefits.
I don’t know how fast I can sell my place. I don’t know where we’ll go. But now it’s time to jump.
newest »
Oh, I totally second what Vivian said. Sometimes responsibility for people you love can feel crushing, but if they are adults, then at the end of the day, they are adults and you cannot take on every single one of their burdens.Also, you are highly educated, intelligent, articulate, thoughtful, and even though you're introverted, everything I've seen ofyour interactions here on Goodreads say to me that you can be highly socially adept - in the best way - where your responses all show genuine interest and empathy. So, it's scary to be unemployed, but I cannot believe that you are unemployable. Maybe you re-examine and change your job seeking process. If the reason that you're getting rejected is that you're overqualified, maybe it's because you need to shoot for that higher level position. And yes, there are fewer of those jobs, and they're harder to get, but at the end of the day, you only need one. If you don't mind sharing, what is your PhD and work experience in?
@V, nah, blaming her is like blaming someone with no arms for not hauling themselves up by their bootstraps. She has done amazingly to work through her whole life. If, as a family, we had learned to talk about elephants in rooms sooner, she wouldn't be in the financial position she is now. I mean, if my grandma hadn't sunk so much money into her alcoholic, drug-addicted, wife-abusing son, she'd be able to pay for her own residential care now, which would free up quite a bit of my cash each month. But she did what she thought was right at the time, and that's all we can do.100% agreed on the circle jerk.
Also I am as drunk as if I'd been reading Mary Calmes and it feels fucking great.
@Eve: dude, I have a PhD in feminist critical theory. I know: I am a fucking idiot. Also I have an MA in Art & Design, a joint Bachelor in Communications and Business Management, eight years experience as a design lecturer, nine years experience in fashion, three years in theatre, and three years as a medical science researcher. I have zero marketable skills, unless you want something written for you. Or two thousand random bits of trivia about how awesome the world is. The NZ job market is weird. Also incredibly fucking racist. I wish immigrants were told that before they came here. I'm white, and I can't get a job. I know a woman who worked for the fucking United Nations who can't get a job because she is ethnically Indian. My boss from four years ago has been unemployed since we got laid off. I'm so lucky I had a contact to get me a job. But you are so sweet to say I'm employable and I love you. Also the drunk thing applies here too.
eta: there's also a bunch of miscellaneous part time stuff in there. I've worked a lot of second jobs & evening jobs.
I think that's a fabulously interesting resume! Sending lucky job finding, house selling thoughts your way.
I'm wishing you the best of luck. Don't be so hard on yourself. You 're there and you 're trying. Hugs:)
The thing I forgot to say that I should have is that you are doing the best you can by your mom, and that you'll always be able to look back at this time and know that you made that effort. Also, your resume sounds awesome, and I cannot believe there isn't a line of people wanting to hire you for costume design, fashion, or theatre or any mix of those!
Ele wrote: "I'm wishing you the best of luck. Don't be so hard on yourself. You 're there and you 're trying. Hugs:)"
thank you so much, Ele *hugs back*
Holy crap! Your resume sounds awesome. I had no idea you'd done so much! I think that's amazing. :) But I am sorry it's so difficult to get a job where you live. That must be really tough. :( I guess it really does go to show you that it's effected by where you live.And I think it's really admirable that you're trying to take care of your mom. I don't think I'd be able to do the same. My mom hasn't always made the best decisions (she's more like an older sister to me. She's 46, I'm 28) and sometimes I feel like I have to take care of her. I absolutely don't think I'd have what it takes to do it full time, so what you're doing is really amazing. :)
Are you thinking maybe of moving away from Auckland completely?
Natasha wrote: "Are you thinking maybe of moving away from Auckland completely? ."yes, I'm definitely leaving Auckland. I can get a house with no mortgage in a small town. Financial stability FTW. also I can get a cat, woot! (not allowed them in my condo). I have to pick a realtor today. Wish me luck!
Good luck with the house hunting, Emma! You're GREAT!
Vivian wrote: "Good luck with the house hunting, Emma! You're GREAT!"thank you! ily V
Academia is a circle jerk of unacknowledged proportions, and the more it's been monetized the worse it has gotten.