The top 20 writing advice lists I won't read

Despite my love for writers, it's time to go here. I wrote a blog post some time back complaining about editors and writers who made the bulk of their posts writing advice or complaints about common grammar errors. This stuff is incredibly dull, and I've seen very few advice columns that I didn't start skimming after the first three paragraphs.

"But Zoe," you say, "You never stop learning, and these columns might have some new advice. And besides, part of my audience is writers. I have to cater to them too."

Bullshit, on all counts. Advice gets recycled over and over, but is phrased in increasingly longer paragraphs. You're not doing it better, you're doing it longer. That's only nice in sex.

Do I as a writer need you to devote another 1800 words to why I should "show don't tell"? No, I don't think so. I don't need your list on how to make characters more believable. I don't need your advice for what to do when I'm stuck in a scene. I don't need your advice for what to do when writer's block hits. I don't care how you use social media for big impact, or that I might be making Twelve Twitter Travesties, and I don't want to see the list of 7 highly effective habits for successful ass kissers.

Writers may be in your blog audience, but they don't really buy that many books. The sad thing is, being a writer, you should already know the statistics of how broke writers are. You should know they have to be more finicky with their cash and probably won't buy your book. But, you apparently think that the post that's going to seal the deal for them is yet another writing advice list that your subconscious recycled from another writers' blog? (Not truly plagiarism, but you aren't being original either.)

Setting that aside, there's a disproportionate amount of advice columns for writers under the claim that you're trying to "cater to a market." But your real market is being ignored with all of this writer-centric stuff. And, being honest, the posts you write for readers are usually pretty dull too. Why? Because you're struggling to be nice for the sake of niceness, and it shows. Everything you write screams "I'm so desperate to be liked."

I'm not going to tell you what to write on your blog, but have you considered taking up some important social issues to talk about on make work days? I don't mean reposting my stuff. I mean finding issues that you care about, and then supporting them with your blog in between your other posts. At least then when I snap at you, "Oh yeah, what do you do?" you can shut me up with "I post about important issues on my blog, and I donate to causes!" (And this WILL shut me up about you, because if you're doing these things, I can't harass you to do more than I do myself.)

No matter what you do, stop writing your blog like you're trying to appeal to other writers. Those guys are flat broke, and the people you need to appeal to don't care about these lists. The readers care more about your fitness hobby than they do about your lists of writing advice. And no, that was not sarcasm. People who read your books also want to know you as a person, and you talking about your fitness hobby is giving them a glimpse into who you are "off the clock." (Because readers have trouble grasping that writers are never off the clock unless they're asleep. And even then, some writers are still cataloging stuff for future stories.) But instead of talking more about your hobbies, you present readers with more professional masks using these advice posts. You're almost incapable of showing a truly human side to anyone, like you're afraid of the rejection you might get for being real for a change. This behavior is misguided and self-defeating, at best.

You don't have to deliver piss and vinegar or talk about troubling issues. I do that on my blog because I'm clearing out the mainstream readers with "preemptive strikes." I can't get that many bad reviews from the easily offended if they left my blog without ever checking out a book. So the only people reading my stuff are those patient folks who are statistically more likely to make it to the last page. Some people still won't make it, and I still get dinged with bad reviews. But now those poor reviews are the exception instead of the rule. Nifty how that works, huh?

"But Zoe," you say, "isn't the whole point of this writing game to make more sales?" No, the whole point of my writing hobby is to make stories and to get said stories into the hands of people who WANT to read them. Sales are meaningless to me, just another arbitrary number that won't get me into the right afterlife either. What matters to me is, "Did the people who bought it really read it?"

I make stories about transsexuals, gays, bis, sex abuse survivors, sexual predators, and yes, even pedophiles. Not many modern writers would consider writing a new Lolita, but I would. I write about people who make the mainstream squirm with icky feelings. And if the mainstream readers reviewed my stuff, they'd likely give it one star because they don't like being made to feel awkward or angry while reading.

Fair enough. So I'll offend them upfront, and they don't have to hate my book and give it one star. They can just hate my blog and one-star my post. Which is much easier to deal with emotionally anyway. What I'm saying is, I'm intentionally abrasive for a reason. It's part of my plan to push away some people. You don't have to go this far, and probably shouldn't if you're so concerned with getting as many sales as you can.

But a lot of you are on the opposite extreme, being so nice to pull in more people that everyone can tell you're faking it. You look and act like a poser, and after you've made this clear in enough posts, I don't bother coming back to check up on you. Which is sad because it's not your writing turning me off of your books. It's your writing advice that's killing the deal.

One last group I want to hit on before closing this is the writers who every day write nonsense posts in an effort to be funny. This would be understandable if these were comedy or absurdist writers. But these are genre writers who in other social venues complain that their writing is never being taken seriously.

Uh, dude, people might take your writing more seriously if you took yourself seriously. There's nothing wrong with silly posts, and I do them too. My favorite thus far is "How not to Get Eaten by a Lycanthrope." But when every single post from you is more "gonzo waka waka waka," you're going to lose the respect of people trying to follow you. You can stop being silly for some posts to write something else. Again, I'm not going to say what. But you need some variety if you want people to stop seeing you as a goofball.

One last time: I'm not telling you that your blogs ought to be more like mine. What I'm doing here isn't conducive to mega-sales success. I'm just pointing out that these blog habits you're developing have turned me off as a reader, and I know I'm not the only one tired of your advice columns and fake veneer of cheerfulness.

But hey, I'm just a crazy lady, awaiting the shipment of two new cats, even. So what do I know about writing? Nothing. And this is why I don't make a list of writing advice for you. I'm just suggesting that maybe you should cut down the number of make-work advice lists you produce.