If Tom King and Tim Seeley got into a fight with Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason, who would you help out? (let's pretend Tom King couldn't kill them all in his sleep)

Why is this happening? Who did what to whom? Did Tom and Tim get jealous that I was sucking off Pete and Pat in the back room at the local con? How about we make it more exciting by adding Gail Simone and her husband as combatants?! Although why would they be involved? I bet Tom and Tim got snarky with a cosplayer and they came to the cosplayer’s defense. And maybe the cosplayer had an animal companion and Pete and Pat were all, “Hey! Let’s kill that stupid dumb animal!” so then they joined in. Oh! And then when the fight was really getting bloody, Alan Moore and Warren Ellis descended from heaven and began jerking off all over the battle!

I think if this happened, I wouldn’t help anybody. While everybody was distracted, I would go fart on Cullen Bunn’s head.