Authors must do BDSM to write BDSM. Right?
A talented author I respect recently told me about some feedback she’d received from a reader. Because the author wasn’t “in the BDSM lifestyle," the reader refused to give her BDSM romance a try. Not even an excerpt or teaser. So, hmm. Three thoughts come to mind:
1. Let’s count ourselves lucky that authors like Diana Gabaldon, Philippa Gregory and Sarah Dunant have access to a time machine so they can go back and hang out for weeks in historical time periods.
2. Thank GOD/DESS that JK Rowlings graduated Hogwarts with full honors before she attempted to write the Harry Potter books.
3. And really, who would have even known Stephen King’s name if he hadn’t gone to that hotel with his wife and child and tried to murder them with an axe?
Now, before I get started in a more serious vein, let me say my intent is not to deride that reader, because I don’t know her full story. Perhaps she has drawn this line in the sand because she HAS read several books by authors not in the BDSM lifestyle, and she felt the books were so abysmal it put a bad taste in her mouth to try anything else. But I hope one day she comes to realize that the premise of non-BDSM lifestyle authors writing BDSM romance is not the problem. It’s two other things:
1. Authors who make serious research mistakes (or don’t do the research they should have), which happens in EVERY genre. It’s more noticeable as well when a particular genre gluts the market, as BDSM romance currently does. And mistakes can be made by even the most meticulous and conscientious authors.
2. Authors who don't get what Dom/sub relationships are really about and are just trying to ride the FSOG gravy train. Which also happens all over the romance genres. If I had a nickel for every time someone thought: "Hey, those trashy romance books sell millions and they're crap. I'll just slap one together and earn my own millions." Yeah, right. Because they don't get that a good romance is a love story, and that's not crap at all.
But let’s look at the question from a different angle. Why do most romance authors write romance? The most common answer you’ll get is that they were an avid romance reader who loved the genre so much they wanted to write their own stories, improving on them and adding in stuff they wanted to see happen.
So say an author who loves reading/writing romance starts reading BDSM romance. Which will happen, because we romance authors, like romance readers, will often try many different subgenres, if there’s a good love story to be had. And this author finds herself fascinated with the intensity of the Dominant/submissive dynamic (which I guarantee is what draws in the best authors for this genre, because it always starts with the relationship, not the trappings around it). So she decides, “Hey, I’d like to write one of those.” (Please forgive me for using feminine pronouns for simplicity - there are lovely male romance authors out there, I know!)
Now, here’s my point above. If she doesn’t know her craft and/or treats this purely as a fantasy, rather than a relationship that has a real-life structure and setting, she may write something that is terribly off the beaten path from what BDSM is truly about. Then people in the lifestyle who have to vet her clueless readers at their group meetings will send her collective hate mail, lol.
But if she does know her craft, and recognizes that her book, while a romance with fantasy elements, must connect to its real world elements, she will do her research. And the cool thing is, because she is intrigued by this type of relationship, when she starts doing her research, she’s going to be not only thorough; she’ll be looking at it wide and fresh-eyed, and coming up with some takes and perspectives on it we may not have had the pleasure of reading before. She might stumble over some of the mechanics or premises, but if she works hard at understanding what the core of a Dom/sub relationship is about, she’ll probably write a pretty worthwhile story.
Plus, it's important to remember what the core of a love story is about, BDSM or otherwise. Connection, caring, companionship, fear, insecurities, loneliness...things we ALL know about, writers and readers.
When the wonderful country singer Alan Jackson was discussing his early years, he mentioned playing at roadhouses. Now, Alan Jackson is a true country singer, but even so, when he started out, he thought he had to pour it on really thick. Sing REALLY loudly, with a very heavy twang. In his interview, he winced when he relayed that, and gave a little laugh before he went on to explain he learned over time to become his own self in the genre, and that’s when he started to shine.
Same goes with BDSM romance. When I started writing it, I knew NOTHING. Lol. No lie. I was in a little corner of the world, small town, no Internet, and what I had was a strong submissive orientation I started to explore as a result of writing Make Her Dreams Come True. I didn’t know terminology, I didn’t know safety rules. All I knew was I had this incredible “right” feeling, words that would pour out of me when I would write about a Dom and a sub coming together. When I went back to read those early books, I did the Alan Jackson wince. Yet my wince had to do with underlying mechanics and how certain feelings/motivations were expressed, not the Dominant/submissive feelings themselves.
Fortunately, after those first couple books, I did purchase some things like Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Miller/Devon, and Sensuous Magic by Pat Califia, to head off more glaring mistakes. But the Dominant/submissive relationship enthralled me (at every level of meaning to that word), and that was the primary focus of my writing.
That said, it’s almost a newbie requirement that we always write our first books inside some glitzy club and give our Doms that untouchable, larger-than-life quality. But that setting and sexy quality is often initially what intrigues us, and authors like to write what intrigues us (grin). But as we expand and grow, we take BDSM into the world around us, into so many different personality types, and have the pleasure of taking our readers on that same journey.
On that same note, I have since written male/male romance novels and threesomes. I have written cops, military personnel and underground fighters. None of these are roles I have direct experience being or doing, but I feel good about the research I did and how they turned out.
So you know the saying, don’t let a few bad apples spoil the barrel? It’s like that. Writing is a practice and a craft. The only truly “unreadable” authors out there are the ones who refuse to strive for improvement with every book.
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Truly Helpless: A Nature of Desire Series Novel comes out April 30! Hooray! And, keeping in line with the topic above, I am neither a Female Dominant nor a male submissive, but I think Regina and Marius still managed to tell a pretty good story through my typing fingers (grin). Hope you’ll agree. :>
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Which book has the underground fighters? Because I missed that one.
I love this, Joey! I'm working on my own BDSM series, and in doing research, I've found a blog I've read back through two years, multiple books on the type of fetish/kink/whathaveyou that I'm currently working on. I love the D/s relationship, and as a sub without a true Dom myself.... it's a bit of wish fulfillment, what would I like in a story, and I hope I do it justice :)
Your research and the depth of your love for your well written characters make for such great reading. This is an interesting article as this though applies to so many aspects of life. If you want to be a good teacher, doctor, whatever, you need to study and learn your craft.
So true. I'm a romance writer, still trying to make it and even self-published a novella. I've also read a lot. A lot of good books and a lot of bad books. At the core of every romance that I've enjoyed is the depth and need of each character as their lives converge. Your books have always engaged me in this way. I think it was one of your books or Cherise Sinclair's BDSM books that I read first in the subgenre and thank goodness I did. I've never been so intrigued as a reader. I was unsure of what I was getting into at first, but at the end of each read, I knew I would come back to read more of your titles. Thanks for doing your research and thanks for bringing great characters to life.
Shellyw wrote: "Which book has the underground fighters? Because I missed that one."Hey, Shelly! It's the newest one coming out Sunday, Truly Helpless. Marius is into underground fighting (only small spoiler, since it comes out in Chapter Two, lol).
This is why I love your books so much. Your dedication to the relationship and your research into the BDSM elements are very evident. There are a LOT of books out there where neither are treated well. I'm lucky enough to have been venturing onto the 'net at a time when usegroups were actually useful (back before bots found them), and some of the people who wrote some of the best "how to" books were still active and posting regularly. It was a great time to be exploring BDSM. Heck, it's when/where "BDSM" became the accepted term and SSC became the mantra.
Jordan wrote: "I love this, Joey! I'm working on my own BDSM series, and in doing research, I've found a blog I've read back through two years, multiple books on the type of fetish/kink/whathaveyou that I'm curre..."Hey Jordan! Having your own personal interest always helps. I know it did me, lol. But you made an excellent point in your comment. Now that we have the INnernet, there are so many wonderful blogs, YouTube videos, online conferences, forums and what have you to get firsthand accounts of what being in BDSM relationships are like. Though they can be as wide and varied as vanilla ones, of course. Thanks for reading the post, and good luck on your series! (And on the search for that Dom, wink).
Alicia wrote: "Your research and the depth of your love for your well written characters make for such great reading. This is an interesting article as this though applies to so many aspects of life. If you want ..."Alicia, exactly. You hit the point right on the head. There will always be people with an inborn talent for certain things, but for the rest of us, it's hard work and research, and with them, we also can excel and do the job right. Thanks so much! :>
Wendi wrote: "So true. I'm a romance writer, still trying to make it and even self-published a novella. I've also read a lot. A lot of good books and a lot of bad books. At the core of every romance that I've en..."Wendi, what a great perspective. Thank you for sharing that! and it's so true. There is no genre exempt from bad AND good examples of that subject matter. And while even that is often in the eye of the beholder (aka reader), I agree that the books that seem to thrive and succeed are those that delve most deeply into the relationship and make a "real life" connection with the readers.
I wish you every success with your own writing journey as well. Thank you for your comment and kind words. I also love being in any post where Cherise is also mentioned! (grin)
Robin wrote: "This is why I love your books so much. Your dedication to the relationship and your research into the BDSM elements are very evident. There are a LOT of books out there where neither are treated we..."Robin that is a blast from the past. I had forgotten about the use net groups. You're right, they were one of the earliest sources of online info on the topic! And I was so clueless at the time, I could have been interacting with these amazing folks who wrote the books I eventually put on my shelves and not even realized it, lol. Thank you so much for those lovely compliments about my work. Hope I'll always provide that experience for you all. :>
personally its none of my business if you practice bdsm or not as a writer. as long as the story and characters flow in my mind like an interal movie, i dont care. your ( joey hill) books draw me like quick sand.if you were my doctor i sure hope you practice your medicine. as a writer your jobs is to take me somewhere i haven't been before. thats talent, imagination and hard work, that does take practice,
I'll echo what other people have said, it was the characters and how you write that drew me in. That and I'm partial to Femdom stuff and it's so hard to find well-written books in that niche.
But even then I'll read all of your books now because of the writing and characters no matter what the setup. lol
Well said. I'm in the BDSM lifestyle, and I actually help run a REAL-LIFE BDSM club. The thing is, when I see all these fantastical books full of millionaires etc. in these glitzy clubs, it turns me off because I'm pretty sure the author hasn't set foot in a real BDSM club and met real people in the lifestyle. I once had someone tell me one of my Doms wasn't "Domly enough." Um, that particular character was based on my OWN Sir, who is a damned heavy sadist. So obviously that reader's experience ended at BDSM books written by vanilla authors. I've seen other authors who DO their research and write realistic Doms catch the same kind of criticism.
It doesn't take much effort to do good research, but it always boggles my mind when authors will come to me to ask me questions, and I tell them, go to an event, go to a munch, go visit a real club or find a party, and they say they're too "scared" to. This isn't Thunderdome. It's a bunch of people, usually middle-aged people who have regular jobs and regular incomes, who aren't in perfect shape, who are having fun.
And bad/no research is also why I probably have so many submissive women message me asking if they don't have a collar on when they go to an event, will someone grab them and start playing with them.
Uh, no. Just like at a bar, if someone won't take no for an answer, you get security (or a DM, in this case) and they get removed. Period.
Books like FSoG are good in that they opened a conversation and helped bring kink into the mainstream. For that, I will always be grateful. They are perfectly fine enjoyed as fiction, but they are in no way accurately depicting a real, consensual, healthy BDSM dynamic. Period. But enjoy them as BOOKS. I will NEVER book-shame someone. Ever.
But, for ME, that's why I write my contemporary BDSM fiction realistically, because I've had readers who read them and thank me for helping them find their way into the lifestyle in a safe, healthy manner. To me, that's HUGE. Those of us actually in the lifestyle, who live it, love to share what we know and help others be safe. We had mentors, and we are happy to mentor others and pass it on.
If a vanilla writer wants to write BDSM, that's great. But do the research first. And by research, TALK to kinksters, talk to people in the lifestyle, have people in the lifestyle vet your scenes. Don't just read other fiction books and think you're getting an "accurate" view of BDSM, because you're likely not.
And readers, remember that there is no "won twue way" in BDSM. There are as many flavors and ways to express kink as there are people in the lifestyle. All the way from fluffy bunny to flesh-hook suspensions, and everything in between.
Not to mention, in REAL life, anything that's NOT expressly consensual is a CRIME. PERIOD. If a writer writes their Doms so that they get consent, that's REALISTIC. If you like "alpha" guys who take what they want, again, I won't bookshame, but that's NOT realistic. That's called a court case waiting to happen, because it's battery or assault or even rape, depending on how far it goes.
Tymber wrote: "Well said. I'm in the BDSM lifestyle, and I actually help run a REAL-LIFE BDSM club. The thing is, when I see all these fantastical books full of millionaires etc. in these glitzy clubs, it turns m..."Tymber, what a fabulous comment!! It could be a standalone blog all on its own, with its wonderful information. Thank you for the honor of posting it here. I agree with you on every level. Even as a submissive, I was really nervous the first time I went to my first BDSM "event", because I really didn't know what to expect. And within an hour, I felt like I'd come home.
It's just a matter of getting over that hurdle, because believe me, guys, she is totally right. BDSM is populated by normal, every day people, and if a group or club is doing it the way it should be done, you will feel welcome and encouraged to learn, as long as your curiosity is respectful. No different from going to any other place where you're knee deep with "the veterans" and you're the new kid. Listen, ask questions, and appreciate those who give you knowledge, while also using common sense about those who give it, because every group has posers and know-it-alls (grin). As Tymber says, those are usually the "won twue way" folk. Dom/sub relationships are expressed differently from person to person as any relationship dynamic.
In erotic romance, we often have the fantasy situation of the Dom/Domme who can come on strong, "knowing" what the sub wants intuitively, even when they sub herself/himself is not sure. The alpha "take what I want" hero is always going to have a beloved place in romance fiction, even BDSM, but there's a fine line that, when crossed, becomes unacceptable, and that line is far more marked in real life. Everyone's tolerance for it in fiction is different, so I think there is room for different levels of it in stories, but in real life, that tolerance is far closer to the zero line.
Can we tell the difference? I like to think we're common sense people who can, and I often reference Nora Roberts lovely comment to the reporter who made some snarky observation about romance novels "confusing" women about what to expect from real life relationships. I believe she made a sarcastic retort to the tune of, "yes, women believe that Prince Charming is going to come and pick them up on his white horse and carry them off" NOT. I wish I could find that response, because it was lovely. But this comment was along the same vein: "Roberts considers herself a feminist and says that her books show women that “you can have this incredible guy — if you work for it. You don’t sit by the window and wait for Prince Charming. You open the window and get what you need, and then you ride off into the sunset. You make a partnership.”
Anyhow, thank you for that again, Tymber. You are awesome! And your books are amazing. You have many fans among my readers. :>
Tymber wrote: "Well said. I'm in the BDSM lifestyle, and I actually help run a REAL-LIFE BDSM club. The thing is, when I see all these fantastical books full of millionaires etc. in these glitzy clubs, it turns m..."Tymber, Yaaaas! Thanks for that.
Sayara wrote: "What a fabulous article, Joey!I believe you've really hit the nail on the head. And then you smashed it in and built some very fine furniture.
Those first three bullet points made me laugh. I've..."
Thank you, Sayara! It would be kind of fun if someone did assume you were a vampire, though. Specifically that annoying person at parties, or those who want to label what you write "porn," or ask those inappropriate questions (grin).
I do admit, after answering so many interview questions about my submissive side and BDSM interests in relation to my writing, I don't even give it a thought any more. I'm far more sensitive about being asked about my politics, lol. I don't answer any questions or express any views about that, period, but ask me if I've ever experienced a strap-on, and I'll give you an earful - ha!
But I will say questions that directly relate to my husband's interests/preferences are off-limits. I try not to infringe on his privacy. You make a great point, though. It is funny how sex is one of those topics that, if you write erotic stories, you will get the look that says "un-hunh, you're one naughty girl", whereas if you write mysteries, they don't expect you to be out burying bodies in the middle of the night.
If they only knew...bwahaha...they'll never find that missing editor who annoyed me...
Thank you for your wonderful comment and insights. I love it when authors jump on and give different perspectives on the topics. It gives readers an even more well rounded view!
Coral wrote: "I had no idea either until I watched your 20 questions interview. I was surprised because I don't expect authors to be 'living' something for the same 3 reasons you gave at the beginning. I'll ec..."
Thank you, Coral! That is a tremendous compliment, because readers who look for good FemDomme books have high standards for what they seek (as they should), so it always thrills me to hear I've met them. I heard recently the BDSM Writers' Con is calling for submissions to a dedicated FemDomme anthology, and I can't wait to see the results. I love writing both M/f and F/m, but I know we always need more offerings on the F/m side. It thrills me even more to see erotic romance readers trying out both subgenres, and realizing male subs can be VERY sexy.
Thanks for your comment!
Tara wrote: "personally its none of my business if you practice bdsm or not as a writer. as long as the story and characters flow in my mind like an interal movie, i dont care. your ( joey hill) books draw me l..."Tara, I think there is SO much curiosity about BDSM, that I made a decision a long time ago to be pretty forthright about that part of my life, so that I could help give people a real world context for what I was writing about and make it feel even more "okay" and "healthy". I mean, I look like a kindergarten teacher, I'm middle-aged, totally middle-class, and I'm a submissive. Well, BDSM can't be TOO freaky, then, right?
Lol - but I appreciate those like you as well, who have the courtesy to pause and think "Well, if I ask her that question, I'm going to be asking her about her sex life? Er...is that okay?" And because I have the most fabulous readers in the universe, I've rarely had the experience of someone being pushy or rude about those questions. Thank you so much for that incredible compliment about taking you places you haven't been. One of the reasons I've always loved writing romance is it brings together real life emotional/relationship issues with wonderful elements of fantasy to give us escapism and catharsis together. Thank you for taking those trips with me (beaming). And thanks again for your comment. :>
I just found this post and wanted to say thank you for it, for presenting both sides of the issue so clearly. By the way, Rough Canvas is one of my very favorite books in the genre. Seriously, I've read it at least four times. It as also *the* book that helped me to see myself as a submissive. After reading BDSM romance for a few years, I was dead cert, while doms were kinda hot, there was no way I was submissive. The control kink is strong with me, so the D/s world is what holds the most appeal. But I get that my people are a relatively small subset of the lifestyle.
That's all to say, that my level of pissed-offedness with how many writers portray subs, is my own thing and may bother many or even most other subs not at all.
This is my soapbox issue that I've written about in reviews lol. But I think for most vanilla BDSM author's, they cannot relate to why someone might be submissive. They get the broad strokes of why, for the dom thing, because who doesn't understand the appeal of being in charge? But subs are invariably written as incredibly dysfunctional people, in desperate need of an intervention from a mental health professional rather than a dominant.
A few years of reading these books made me sure that submissive meant being a doormat, incapable of managing your life, anxious, or any of a host of other things that were anathema to my being. Then along came Rough Canvas. And, oh my. There was a click in my head and I got it. Then I started exploring.
That was revelatory. To find real subs to be nothing, nothing like the books. Most I met have tremendous personal power; and excel at getting shit done. We pretty much run any organized event in the lifestyle. Because...and this is a biggie. We are total control enthusiasts (you know in addition to a love of service, or making sure people are happy etc.), total, flipping control freaks.
I think that D/s inclined doms tend to crave control over their environment, which extends to the people in it. Subs tend to crave control over everything else. For many, the power exchange is where we come to lay down our burden, shut out the rest of the noise and be present, focused on the needs and wants of one person. The one person who will accept nothing less from us, rest of the world be damned.
It is tremendously freeing. And it's such a beautiful and rare treat when an author gets that. So...thank you Joey.
Pendragonish wrote: "I just found this post and wanted to say thank you for it, for presenting both sides of the issue so clearly. By the way, Rough Canvas is one of my very favorite books in the genre. ..."Pendragonish, thank you SO much for this lovely email. You expressed that beautifully. As a submissive myself, I am a control freak and an organizational nazi. Having the ability to lay down control in a session (or go into my "zen place" while watching a session or hanging out in a club/dungeon, lol), is exactly as you described it. Where all the "noise" goes away, things get still and peaceful, and focused down to just what matters. So glad you felt I represent that accurately in my books, but in all honesty, I have to give the characters credit for that. I just get out of their way and let them tell the story (grin). Thanks again!
