Dear PTA: I Got a New Attitude (Not Really)
Dear PTA,
I'm trying to change my ways. (No, I'm not.) Or at least my attitude. (Yeah, right.) Okay, you're right. Against my better judgment, I'll just tell you the truth. There are a few things you should know.
You should know that…
As is my policy with all charitable causes, I will TOTALLY get behind your projects that I think are worthy, and the stupid ones that give me an opportunity to drink too much and get my picture taken with wicked black eyeliner in a nice dress. I will also fight like a Mother against anything I feel is immoral or unethical that is being conducted in mine or my child's name. For stuff I deem just plain lame, I will, for the most part, leave you alone.
You should know that…
Because I spend enough time devoted to my children already I'm a reluctant participant in any of your clipboard-worthy activities. However, I will be a dutiful worker bee. That's right, after you ask me two or three times I will be happy to work a shift or bake a cake or whatever else it is that chips away at the greater good. I will show up with a smile and I won't even spend the entire time talking smack about the other PTA parents. Not the whole time, anyway.
You should know that…
I wrote a book called, Blacklisted from the PTA. There are two little pages out of more than 240 in which I encourage other moms to become pariahs among their various PTA communities. It was just a joke. A true joke. A manifesto of sorts. But I pinky promise not to undermine any of your [worthy] efforts. (See above.) I will even donate copies of my book to help raise money for your very most worthiest causes. See? I'm nice!
You should know that…
I can't volunteer for anything with the words "field" or "monitor" in the job description. Because these invariably involve other people's children and the thing is, I don't like them. It's just the two kids I'm fond of–the ones I so generously birthed–and a handful of their friends. And I have small hands. Believe me, I'm doing us all a favor by declining any student-related duties up front. Kids never believe my "I'll smack you in the head" threats until it's too late. Who needs a lawsuit, right?
And finally, you should know…
I don't do yogurt lids, aluminum can tabs, or box tops. This is non-negotiable.
Honestly, PTA, it's nothing personal. Some of my best friends are PTA Queens. So keep those guilt-inducing emails coming. I'll respond, I'll sign your clipboard, I'll do my part.
Eventually.
Sincerely,
Worker Bee Me
If This Made You Grin, Try These:
Blacklisted From the PTA, the Google Search
Drive a Mile in My Minivan
7 Surefire Ways to Get Blacklisted from the PTA
This post was written as part of the I Support My School, MY Way campaign, sponsored by VolunteerSpot.com, a free online sign-up sheet tool for busy parents–who are into that sort of thing. No compensation was provided, so feel free to buy my book. Come on, it's not like I'm asking you to pull a shift at Field Day.
