You're On the Air With the Jazz Doctor

The gravel chewing velvet voiced Rebel Bowling Alley Don Juan come 2 A.M. radio announcer, chain smoking insomnia, and spinning vinyl smooth jazz old school, lips caressing every cheesy winking word, finger-points his Dollar General wisdom like dice against a gold framed black light velvet Elvis.

"Hey Yous Cats"

That was the "Tom Cat Five. That, yous cats, is the smoothest extremest nimble cerebellum numbing Zen jazz this side of a circle. You got the doctor, on smoooooothe Jazz 105," he barely growls the words through his gigantic yellowed coffee-teethe, as he coughs up a piece of lung he thought he'd had removed the year before, and wipes the saliva off of his face with his remaining dignity. "Babies, I got me a jones for some Miles, here's a little thing called 'Bitches Brew' you dig?"

What is it about smooth jazz, that seems like a politician promising truth through gold teeth, while rubbing pork fat on his diet vegetarian soy bean heart healthy dinner steak, or a 65 year old gay retired fire eater from Brigham and Burley's traveling birthday party extravaganza losing his job after developing the nasty habit of occasionally striping down to women's panties in front of the children, and hitting the deck, rolling around like he was on fire, while yelling "it's the cong man, every bitch for herself!"  The saddest factoid was he was not even born yet when Saigon fell, and Billy Joel hit number one, singing about a war he'd never been too.

"The tired thinking man's music, babies."  He groaned.

For some unknown reason, later on that reefer imbued morning after a double shift at 5 A.M he says, "Hey all you zombies out there, doin' this job is kinda like herding cats." and then he choked up a wheezy cigarette laugh and spun a cut from Mother Focus, called "Oh, I Need a Bathroom."

I only have one question: What kind of an asshole tries to herd cats?