I want to tell you a story.

noel:

I want to tell you a story.

I’ve been a good kid all my life.
Was an overachiever, was smart. People liked me, I was told.
I had friends. I never really knew that though. Because
I was always in trouble.
With authorities.
Specifically.
MEN.
I didn’t know what the dynamic was. I just knew I was a “fuck up.”
Any time I stood up for myself when I was being wronged, I was punished.
Any activity I loved, they would find a way to take it away.
Any time I was myself, it was bad.

And because of this, I never let myself have the good things.
I never let myself even experience joys, even as I was creating them.

As I climbed greater heights, I was told it was because of XYZ, but never
because I was talented, smart, diligent, thoughtful, kind.
It was because I was being given things.
Because I was cute.
Or a girl, and cause you know, we’re “In” right now.
I worked very very hard.
I work very hard.
But my whole life, I thought, “When will I be good enough. Why am I so bad?”
And I’ve hated myself.

Flash forward to me, at 30, premiering a movie I wrote, directed, starred in.
People really loved it.
Something born in my brain, but mostly my heart, made it a very long way
To be watched by strangers in a beautiful theater.

A man who I grew up with, a man who spear-headed this bad dynamic in my life,
said to a friend of mine, after people left the theater
“You know, Noël never knew how to behave.”
He said it as a joke, I’m sure, as it’s often presented,
When someone wants to tear you down with a smile.

I was very sad to hear this.
That even at the height of my success so far, I’m still not good enough.
I’m a misbehave-er. For valuing myself. And my voice.
For telling a kind story. About fucking up and forgiving people.
I was crushed.

I’ve been very heartbroken.
And I’ve sat in it for a few days.
Like I’ve sat in it my whole life.
But this time, something different happened.
The sadness started to transform.
And with it, some identity started to break down.
This victimhood. Of being told me, my essence,
my being, is wrong.

And in it’s place, a new emotion has started to develop.
I think they call it “RAGE”

This past week,
I feel like an animal.
I am a fury
at every man who has told me
being great is being bad.
Doing what I love, connecting with people, and expressing myself
is wrong.
At every PERSON who has internalized violence, misogyny, or injustice as TRUTH
and locked people up inside of it.
For every person who doesn’t see me for me,
Or who can’t see any CHILD, or WOMAN, or OTHER who sees things as they are.

I am a madness toward anyone who doesn’t recognize how incredibly powerful
I am.
We all are.
AND HOW PRECIOUS we are.
KINDNESS is not a weakness. LEADERSHIP isn’t BADNESS.
And neither is my ANGER.
My anger isn’t bad, it’s the truth.

I am very mad. I will let it pass, but I am allowed to be
enraged by all that has been taken from me.
And all the ways I’ve been told I was wrong,
When I’ve been right all along.