My New Normal

So. A little while ago, I had a inkling that something was amiss. At the time, I was pretty sure it was depression, but, not wanting to make a self-diagnosis, I booked myself an appointment with my doctor (who is a doctor of all awesomeness!). She was pretty sure I was suffering from depression too – after all, the last year has been a real roller coaster with family stuff, my gran's passing, book stuff, blah blah blah. But, to be certain, she sent me for some bloodwork, since I had also been experiencing incredible fatigue – like, sleeping 12 hours, and still not being able to function sort of fatigue.

Anyhow, the bloodwork came back with a blip. More testing ensued, and then, I waited to see the specialist.

Who I saw today. He informed me he is 95% certain, based on my ultrasound and bloodwork, that I have NASH – non-alcoholic steatohepatitis, a condition that runs in my family (it'll be 100% official once we know the results of today's bloodwork, which is just to rule out of a few other things it could also be). So, the doctor took me through what this diagnosis means, and said that the only real treatment was weight loss (something I've been working on anyhow), diet (about twenty pounds or so), and exercise, and if I did that, he felt my liver would rebound (isn't it amazing that the liver can do that?).

And then, I said something that, a year ago, I would never believed I would have said. I said to him, "Well, I guess this is just my new normal."

A year ago, my reaction would have involved tears and metaphorical running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and then, a bunch of "why me, why me?" moaning. Not that I won't still do that at some point – after all, it's probably healthy to moan and whinge and get that out, rather than trampling my emotions down and letting them fester.

But…why the change? Well, for one thing, a friend recommended I read Elizabeth Lesser's BROKEN OPEN, a book about how to gracefully move with life's difficulties. Things happen for a reason. That's one of those chestnuts that's thrown around these days, but the thing is: yes, they do. My friend recommended that book, and at the time, I didn't really want to read it, but I figured I would, since she felt it had value and thought it would be useful to me, and since my friend is a pretty smart cookie, I had nothing to lose, right? Maybe, I might even learn something! Amazing, that. Learning something from a book. Whodathunk?

Since then, other things have begun to fall into place. Another new writerly-friend suggested I read Natalie Goldberg, whose writing proved to be a real lifeline to my own when I found myself drifting aimlessly (thank you, Heather!). I had tea with a good friend and accomplished writer, whose blog posts always make me smile (thank you, Shari!). I got to spend time with my sister and niece and just play, and when things are tough and a little scary, there's nothing like spending time with a four year old and seeing the world through her eyes (and it doesn't hurt that said niece thinks Auntie is awesome. We all need someone like that in our lives!) My agent has such faith in me, and lately, we've been cooking up a writerly storm, reminding me how much I enjoy the collaborative part of creation, something I've dearly missed.

And most of all, my husband, who is such a good listener, and always makes me laugh. And always reminds me that whatever happens, things will be okay.

So yes, this is my new normal. It's a pretty nice normal, too, I think. Yes, the dietary changes are going to be challenging, and I'll have to take it easy for a bit, making sure I'm getting enough rest and really listening to my body. But, on the other hand, I've got a lot to look forward to: new book projects, running a 5k at Disneyland, autumn (I so love autumn!), some nice little story projects that I'm going to work on just for me, the start-up of therapeutic riding again, some dressage lessons…and lentils. There are many lentils in my new normal. Got good lentil recipes? Send them my way!

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