Feedback Request

Questions:
You’ve mentioned before you find it hard to imagine a kingdom on a mountain. I’m not sure how to explain this concisely in a query letter without just saying something blatant like “trust me, the mountain is really big”, because the circumference of the mountain is similar to the circumference of France (there’s a mountain on Mars with a similar shape and size). [Can't you just say the kingdom of _________ is situated on the side of Mt. Era, a mountain as large in circumference as France?] The setting is something unique about my book, and so I do want to mention it. [You don't need to tell us the answers to our questions; you need to decide whether the answers should be in the query, and if so, how to work them in.]

The reason it seems like Lark and Alister are underqualified for this mission is because when I started plotting this story, I wanted something different from ‘the Chosen One’ plots that are seen (in my opinion) way too often in fantasy. I wanted to pick characters that aren’t particularly special before the story, but that were dragged into the plot by learning too much (in Lark’s case) or being dragged into it by others (in Alister’s case) [or by being whisked to another world by a tornado (in Dorothy's case) or by coming into possession of a powerful ring (in Frodo's case)]. Then what I find the most interesting is how they can grow and become important throughout their travels, rather than being inherently important already. [My experience with the "chosen one" fantasy plots which are (in your opinion) seen way too often in fantasy, is that they usually do involve characters that aren’t particularly special before the story.] I’m not sure how I can express this (answering the question of ‘why him?’) best in the query letter.

(The following query isn’t too different from the last submission, just with a few small changes, because the questions above address your previously mentioned issues.)


Dear EE,

Alister didn't start his day thinking he'd leave his home forever, guilt and his hiking pack weighing on his shoulders. But after he accidentally causes a neighbour's house to crash down Mount Era's slopes, a young girl trapped inside, he packs his few belongings and leaves before anyone discovers what he'd [he's] done. [If your house is so precariously balanced that a kid can accidentally send it crashing down a mountain, you hired the wrong builders.]

Then Lark's message arrives. [If the message arrives after Alister leaves, how does he get it?] The travelling merchant had been Alister's only link to the other cities of the Union, until he mysteriously disappeared that autumn. Lark's message explains that his disappearance was no accident. He sent it moments before being taken captive by Baudouin, an unnervingly charismatic king of the western side of Mount Era. Lark discovered the king's plot to dig up the unstable Stone of Dominus and use its power to gain control of the entire mountain. The rest of the Union is oblivious to Baudouin's plans, fooled by the aid he's given them over the years, and the king doesn't seem to realise or care that using the Stone's power risks Mount Era's destruction.

Alister embarks on a journey across the Union to free Lark. Throughout his travels, Alister makes new friends and enemies, learns more about the Union's cities than Lark ever told him, uncovers the merchant's past, and learns to face his own. Although he knows Baudouin must be stopped, Alister wrestles with how far he should go to save the Union.

In the back of his mind is a nagging question—What made Lark send to him for help? [Possibly answering that question will answer our question of Why Alister? Lark's about to be captured, and in his final moments of freedom he chooses to write to a kid on the other side of the mountain asking for help. Either Alister has unrevealed talents or Lark doesn't trust any of the many people who would be better equipped to help, or the message was a ploy, or...] 

The Missing Traveller is a fantasy complete at 110 300 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

I can accept a mountain as large in circumference as France, but to call it a mountain it has to rise in elevation somewhat dramatically. Otherwise we'd call France a mountain. Obviously Mount Era does rise dramatically, as a house would not come crashing down its slopes if they were gently rising slopes. 

The mountain on Mars that Wikipedia shows as France-sized is 13.6 miles high. But because gravity helps keep most of the air near the surface of a planet, humans can't breathe at altitudes a mere 3 miles high. Also, it's really cold at higher altitudes. If the Martian mountain were on Earth, it would reach more than six miles into our stratosphere, whereas our Mt. Everest, which is very cold near the top, doesn't even reach to the stratosphere.

None of which matters if your characters all live within two miles of the mountain's base, or if the story is set on a planet vastly different from Earth (like where gravity and physics don't matter). Anything goes in a fantasy, as long as you can get readers to buy into it.