What I've Noticed Since I Quit the Daily News Cold Turkey

1. The night terrors are in gradual remission.
2. The sun.
3. I'm getting boners again.
4. Laughter is still a thing, somehow.
5. I can have a conversation just about baseball.
6. The lesions on the back of my neck are healing after week-upon-week of subconsciously clawing at my skin.
7. I have new neighbors (hi, Pam and Emmet—I’ll shovel the sidewalk soon, I promise).
8. I haven't overstepped the data limit on my cell phone plan this month.
9. Hot damn! Did I mention the awesome boner resurgence?
10. There's a knee-high pile of junk mail (mostly Comcast Triple Play deals) on the porch.
11. The tail of a dead squirrel is sticking out of my gutter.
12. Jesus, how long has the downstairs closet smelled like a tire fire?
13. Wait, what the hell are these Facebook posts referring to?
14. Why does everyone I respect intellectually look so glum?
15. I'm sorry, but did I overhear you correctly? Please tell me I didn’t just hear that Trump’s fucking budget proposal eliminates funding to…
16. AAAHHH!!