Feedback Request

Dear EE,

Here you are, with my thanks. One quick question, though: Should I mention that the book is in 3 voices (Fred's, Malek's, and the narrator's)? [The number of voices is of little interest. If you mean the number of points of view, most books that aren't exclusively in 1st person have more than one POV, so it's not worth mentioning.]

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Fred smiles in his hospital bed after being assaulted by his straight crush, because now he has Malek right where he wants him. Manipulative and obsessed, Fred knows that Malek has the potential to be the dominant of his wildest dreams. Already godly with his muscular physique and basso voice, he just needs a little direction in how to direct Fred. After Fred’s lawyers coerce Malek into signing a contract instead of going to jail, Malek has to meet with Fred twice a month for some “possibly sexual” favors.

Malek is heavy with guilt after drunkenly assaulting Fred, but he is also dreading meeting with him. What if Fred makes him like, kiss and stuff? Foreseeing this apprehension, Fred shows Malek the perks of having a “slave”, like massaging his feet and maintaining his shisha pipe. [The way it's worded, it could be the master massaging the slave's feet. And having one's shisha pipe maintained is unlikely to sway a straight guy's opinion of this arrangement.] A painter, he also draws Malek in scenes of dominion and power. The paintings are different from anything he’s done before, and they could free him from his tedious PhD program and abusive father.

For Malek the choice is play along, or go to jail. Disgusted at first, Malek realizes that there’s no way he’s letting a fag keep him on edge, and he should try enjoying Fred’s servitude. He finds he has a knack for domination and things become more sexual with Fred. But if anyone discovers their arrangement, it would shame Malek’s Iraqi immigrant family, and embarrass him among the frat-boys. Thus he makes Fred promise to keep the paintings a secret. Fred breaks this promise when he sells them to pay rent. [I'd be more worried about the foot massages and sexual aspects becoming public than the paintings.]

However, not only do the paintings sell, there is lucrative demand [It's the selling that's lucrative, not the demand.] for more. Well, anything is justified if it leads to pampering Malek, of course. [Selling more paintings seems unlikely to lead to more Malek pampering, since Malek didn't want any of them sold.]

But then an art enthusiast offers Fred the gallery exhibit of his career. If Fred accepts, it would shatter Malek’s trust and thus his livelihood. [Whose livelihood? They're both college students, right?] If he declines, he would keep his Prince, but remain poor, unknown, and at his father’s mercy. [Can't he just paint portraits that feature someone other than Malek? Is the buyer asking him to keep churning out paintings of the same person?]

Given that you are looking for LGBT Romance and/or erotica, I believe you will find THE GLORIOUS PRINCE, complete at just under 85,000 words, of interest. It is the first in a planned series, but can stand alone.

I have previously resided in the US capital in 2013; the setting of my story. I wrote this novel to answer the question: What are my straight crushes so damn afraid of? [If this novel answers that question, I guess the answer is that your straight crushes are afraid you'll break your promises to keep whatever secrets they want you to keep. And since Fred does break his promise, I guess their fear is well-founded. In any case, the reason you wrote the novel can be revealed to your agent after she sells your book; no reason it should be in the query.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.