My First Retreat with Veterans

Born in 1976, in a small town in Massachusetts, I was raised in a family of bikers, which was very much a gang like mentality. The shirt I arrived at basic training with, was an outlaws shirt that read, “Snitches Get Stitches”. My circle of friends growing up, were tight, and we called each other family. So I completely bought in to the notion of the brotherhood.
A year after high school, tired from working two full time jobs to keep a roof over my head,  I enlisted and did my best to "Be All You Can Be”, the Army’s big marketing promotion at the time.
Back in 1995, I was put into one of the very first coed basic training programs at Fort Lost in the Woods, and soon went to Air Assault School with 150 soldiers starting, 80 of us graduated, and I was the only female. I Went to the field with infantry brigades in the 101, where I was one female among a thousand guys out in the woods. I pushed boundaries and was a fighter working hard for my team night and day.
My world was shattered when I was unknowingly drugged, and forced to watch a few of my so called brothers rape me while I laid there in my own bed powerless, completely unable to move,  unable to fight back, and watching the whole thing as if it were a movie. 
For 20 yrs I became a constantly irrupting human hate machine, even getting kicked out of the hospital when seeking help at the ER. 
I laid it all on the line one weekend when I decided I would rather be completely vulnerable to a group of complete strangers, that in my mind, resembled my attackers, than to live another 20 years in hell, and nothing was going to stop me from giving my daughter another chance at having a good mother. I went to a veteran’s PTSD healing trauma retreat where I would be in the room with other male soldiers working on healing for an entire weekend. Being vulnerable in front of strangers was very difficult for me. The fact that most staff members were veterans, and the other participants were all veterans, was a very scary environment for me. This was last thing I wanted to do, but I knew I had to face my fears. I had no idea that witnessing the stories of my veteran brothers would also bring out so much compassion for my fellow vets. Being there during the healing process of the others, was a deep sharing. We all bonded and were able to trust each other, something that was hard for all of us regardless of how different our stories were from one another.
My life is now completely changed because I believed you get out what you put in, and I jumped all the way in, that motherfunking pit as fast and as deep as I could on my retreat weekend.
I knew if I wanted something I've never had, I had to do something I've never done.
I cried and cried in front of these soldiers and was comforted. I divulged things that were wrong with me, and the struggles I was going through. Then I was supported and encouraged. Ahh the breakthroughs! I was able to look these male soldiers in the eyes and really see them. See their hurts and their struggles, and offer my condolences. I was able to honor them for their service. Had I thought just days before I would ever in my life be able to do such a thing? Hell no. I cried when they cried. They cried when I cried. I walked out of that experience a changed woman. Most people can relate to the closed up feeling our body goes through when facing fear. The resistance to do something that has been so ingrained in our minds as a danger, is sometimes suffocating. The scares you live with everyday can heal over. I may not ever forget them, and rightfully so. I’ve learned a lot. To go from someone who had massive panic attacks and withdrawal just by getting a phone call from the VA, fifteen years after my discharge, to now sitting and spending time with my veteran brothers, is astounding. I actually feel comforted by a group of people I once so badly feared. 


Information on the retreat organization: http://vetsjourneyhome.org