Week... Something: This Turned Into A Baring of My Soul
I've been actively putting off my weekly Ramblings. I'm annoyed at myself about it. After typing out all this below, I think the reason I was putting it off is because talking about this past month and a half makes me realize and have to admit the ugly truth about myself. That's not what these set out to be. But here we are:
I work too much. I overworked myself last month, as I always do, putting family, chores, IG and self-care on the back burner. And, as I always do, I spent the first part of this month feeling aimless, unproductive, semi-self-loathing, a little bit depressed, a little bit free and fun and silly, a little bit selfish, a little bit like I am making up for being a crappy mom the other part of the month by soaking in the moments with the kid and putting everything else off... in other words I have no balance. Whatsoever.
I am hoping that Hubs, who quit his job just the other day to help me full time with this business {terrifying. I was going to talk all about it but that's really all I feel like saying today}, is going to be able to help me with this balance. Already, his taking over the customer service side has been a godsend. But I still have a ways to go. I have far too much on my plate already for the next two months and then it should, finally, smooth out. But it's daunting to know that I very well might feel the same way I feel now and during my busy times for the next two months.
This is what I was originally typing before I realized this had turned into something else and I changed the beginning. Hopefully, through the chaos of my thoughts, you can see what I'm struggling with. Just know, no matter how I'm feeling currently, deep down I love what I do and I am so grateful, truly, for everything I have and everyone. I love my job and my life. This is where I want to be. I just need to be... better at managing it all.
•••
I keep putting off this blog. I think it has to do with always forgetting to take the pictures over the weekend {similar problems with the Maddie reviews. I think to do them about an hour after she gets dropped off at school} and when I do actually want to do it all, it's midnight and the lighting sucks. But also it may have to do with just my general feeling toward life these days. I think I might only be productive when deadlines are hot on my tail. I'm either aimless and unproductive, or pushing myself so hard I don't enjoy IG or my family much at all because everything is simply time taken away from working. That's so nice of me. Wow. I sound like a terrible person. But it's true. Everything just takes away from time I could be working. Unless it's the first week of the month. In which case...
I felt absolutely useless this whole first week of March. I wasn't. At all. But I felt like it. I got my hallway decorated with family photos finally. It took all day. It looks pretty but I didn't edit the photos I took and send them to myself for this post so you'll just have to imagine. I got the entire inventory complete {with my mom's help} of all our past boxes, so those are just a couple steps away from being ready to go live on our new website. I worked on a project I'm under contract for that someday I'll get to share about. I launched the book box for my paperback which I should probably explain on a different post, so for now will just say visit www.nerdypost.com to find out more. And the house actually got clean for a whole day before it went to crap again {thanks Madeline, and my lazy self}. But I just have zero drive this week. It ALWAYS happens this way. I bust my ass for three weeks straight and then struggle to find motivation to do anything after the ordering is over and before the items arrive to pack up. It's a weird way to live. Probably not a healthy way to live. I'm trying to change it. But it's a tough cycle to break. I feel best when I'm busting my ass, because I feel such purpose coursing through me. My creativity gets to flowing and something about creating so much content so often has opened something up inside of me and I just can't stop. I act on every damn creative impulse I have, wanting to expand to this or that, and my husband is encouraging it. Which is great. Except my body needs more sleep. And better food. And physical activity. I'm still at my heaviest from having Madeline and then diving into this business. I don't want to diet, because I feel diets never work, I'm just so tired of sitting so much of my day designing. I don't feel healthy. I eat so poorly but I'm a picky eater and I don't have time to actually cook myself meals so I will grab a couple handfuls of chips or animal crackers or whatever is on hand and go back to working. Usually it's carbs because they don't go bad as fast and I haven't made an actual trip to the grocery store in months. MONTHS. I try and switch my much-needed caffeine intake to tea rather than Diet Coke because some days I feel like my insides are just rotting from how much I drink of it {today is one of those days. I feel disgusting}, but the tea takes forever to prepare compared to just grabbing a diet coke and I drink it so fast. Tea takes as long as cooking myself lunch or making a sandwich and I don't even do that, so it's tough, even though I feel it is a very viable replacement otherwise. {Wish I liked coffee but I hate even the smell of it so that's out}.
Wow this is turning into an actual ramble. Anyway, all this to say, I need to make time to be human. And take care of this body and mind {which are needed for being a mom and creating the artwork and photos and content that I create for my followers and subscribers} that I'm pushing soooo hard. There are weeks I get 4 hours of sleep a night, because I work all day, hang with my family for a few hours and then work until I can't stay awake any longer before I get up to take Madeline to school and do it all again. I'm about to head into that cycle now. I'm scared. Its going to be rough. I want to succeed in every aspect of my life but right now I feel like I'm failing at all of them. I've got to get my shit together.
Maybe by next week I'll have it all figured out. I'm going to spend tonight working out a plan. Maybe a super rigorous schedule that I can follow without thinking will help. I always seem to do better with a schedule. Okay. I have a plan. To make a plan.
Wish me luck!
And send a maid. And a chef. Thanks.
I work too much. I overworked myself last month, as I always do, putting family, chores, IG and self-care on the back burner. And, as I always do, I spent the first part of this month feeling aimless, unproductive, semi-self-loathing, a little bit depressed, a little bit free and fun and silly, a little bit selfish, a little bit like I am making up for being a crappy mom the other part of the month by soaking in the moments with the kid and putting everything else off... in other words I have no balance. Whatsoever.
I am hoping that Hubs, who quit his job just the other day to help me full time with this business {terrifying. I was going to talk all about it but that's really all I feel like saying today}, is going to be able to help me with this balance. Already, his taking over the customer service side has been a godsend. But I still have a ways to go. I have far too much on my plate already for the next two months and then it should, finally, smooth out. But it's daunting to know that I very well might feel the same way I feel now and during my busy times for the next two months.
This is what I was originally typing before I realized this had turned into something else and I changed the beginning. Hopefully, through the chaos of my thoughts, you can see what I'm struggling with. Just know, no matter how I'm feeling currently, deep down I love what I do and I am so grateful, truly, for everything I have and everyone. I love my job and my life. This is where I want to be. I just need to be... better at managing it all.
•••
I keep putting off this blog. I think it has to do with always forgetting to take the pictures over the weekend {similar problems with the Maddie reviews. I think to do them about an hour after she gets dropped off at school} and when I do actually want to do it all, it's midnight and the lighting sucks. But also it may have to do with just my general feeling toward life these days. I think I might only be productive when deadlines are hot on my tail. I'm either aimless and unproductive, or pushing myself so hard I don't enjoy IG or my family much at all because everything is simply time taken away from working. That's so nice of me. Wow. I sound like a terrible person. But it's true. Everything just takes away from time I could be working. Unless it's the first week of the month. In which case...
I felt absolutely useless this whole first week of March. I wasn't. At all. But I felt like it. I got my hallway decorated with family photos finally. It took all day. It looks pretty but I didn't edit the photos I took and send them to myself for this post so you'll just have to imagine. I got the entire inventory complete {with my mom's help} of all our past boxes, so those are just a couple steps away from being ready to go live on our new website. I worked on a project I'm under contract for that someday I'll get to share about. I launched the book box for my paperback which I should probably explain on a different post, so for now will just say visit www.nerdypost.com to find out more. And the house actually got clean for a whole day before it went to crap again {thanks Madeline, and my lazy self}. But I just have zero drive this week. It ALWAYS happens this way. I bust my ass for three weeks straight and then struggle to find motivation to do anything after the ordering is over and before the items arrive to pack up. It's a weird way to live. Probably not a healthy way to live. I'm trying to change it. But it's a tough cycle to break. I feel best when I'm busting my ass, because I feel such purpose coursing through me. My creativity gets to flowing and something about creating so much content so often has opened something up inside of me and I just can't stop. I act on every damn creative impulse I have, wanting to expand to this or that, and my husband is encouraging it. Which is great. Except my body needs more sleep. And better food. And physical activity. I'm still at my heaviest from having Madeline and then diving into this business. I don't want to diet, because I feel diets never work, I'm just so tired of sitting so much of my day designing. I don't feel healthy. I eat so poorly but I'm a picky eater and I don't have time to actually cook myself meals so I will grab a couple handfuls of chips or animal crackers or whatever is on hand and go back to working. Usually it's carbs because they don't go bad as fast and I haven't made an actual trip to the grocery store in months. MONTHS. I try and switch my much-needed caffeine intake to tea rather than Diet Coke because some days I feel like my insides are just rotting from how much I drink of it {today is one of those days. I feel disgusting}, but the tea takes forever to prepare compared to just grabbing a diet coke and I drink it so fast. Tea takes as long as cooking myself lunch or making a sandwich and I don't even do that, so it's tough, even though I feel it is a very viable replacement otherwise. {Wish I liked coffee but I hate even the smell of it so that's out}.
Wow this is turning into an actual ramble. Anyway, all this to say, I need to make time to be human. And take care of this body and mind {which are needed for being a mom and creating the artwork and photos and content that I create for my followers and subscribers} that I'm pushing soooo hard. There are weeks I get 4 hours of sleep a night, because I work all day, hang with my family for a few hours and then work until I can't stay awake any longer before I get up to take Madeline to school and do it all again. I'm about to head into that cycle now. I'm scared. Its going to be rough. I want to succeed in every aspect of my life but right now I feel like I'm failing at all of them. I've got to get my shit together.
Maybe by next week I'll have it all figured out. I'm going to spend tonight working out a plan. Maybe a super rigorous schedule that I can follow without thinking will help. I always seem to do better with a schedule. Okay. I have a plan. To make a plan.
Wish me luck!
And send a maid. And a chef. Thanks.
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