Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1344 would like your feedback on this new attempt at a query:


Dear Agent,

Fred smiled [smiles] in his hospital bed after being assaulted by his straight crush, because now he has Malek right where he wants him. Manipulative and obsessed, Fred knows that Malek has the potential to be the dominant of his wildest dreams. Already godly with his muscle-bound physique and basso voice, he just needs a little direction until he can [in how to] direct Fred. After Fred’s lawyers coerce Malek into signing a contract instead of going to jail, Malek has to meet Fred twice a month for some “possibly sexual” favors.

Malek is heavy with guilt after drunkenly assaulting Fred, but he is also dreading meeting with him. What if Fred makes him like, kiss and stuff? Foreseeing this apprehension, Fred slowly shows Malek the perks of having a “harmless bitch”, like massaging his feet [frequent foot massages and backrubs] and maintaining his shisha pipe. A painter, he also draws Malek in vivid scenes of dominion and power. Far from innocent, Fred hopes that Malek will become comfortable enough for things to get more sexual.

For Malek, there’s no way he’s letting a fag keep him on edge, and he realizes that he can [begins to] enjoy Fred’s servitude. His improving domination also improves his self-confidence, but he fears embarrassment if anyone discovers their arrangement. Thus he makes Fred promise to keep the paintings a secret. Fred breaks this promise when he sells them to pay rent. The growing interest in these paintings might just be what Fred needs to become a famous artist instead of working at the gallery of his abusive father.

But Fred’s two dreams are on a collision course: Malek gets an epiphany and benevolently becomes more sexual with Fred right before a gallery is about to exhibit his works to career-changing clients. Thus Fred faces the decision of his life: His career or his Prince? [Sounds like he's having his cake and eating it too. Spell out why this is an either/or choice (presumably because the gallery exhibit will reveal the embarrassing paintings to the public and/or because it will reveal that Fred broke his promise and can never be trusted.] [Does Fred consider just changing Malek's facial features in the paintings before trying to sell them?] 

Given that you are looking for LGBT Romance and/or erotica, I believe you will find The Glorious Prince, complete at just under 85,000 words, of interest. It is the first in a planned series, but can stand alone. It is set in modern Washington, D.C., and couples the fun narrative voice of White Teeth by Zadie Smith, with the first-person voice in novels such as 50 Shades of Grey by E.L. James. There has also yet to be a popular straight-gay romantic/erotic novel, and I believe my book would appeal to the growing New Adult audience. I have already started promoting the book through an eponymous Instagram account.

After years of unreciprocated crushes on straight men, and a recent delve into the world of domination, I have utilized my first-hand insight in writing out my characters’ experiences. I am a Lebanese scholar studying in Japan after having worked with refugees, and have previously resided in the US capital [where my story is set]. I wrote this novel to answer the question: What are my straight crushes so damn afraid of?

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

It's an improvement. As it's still too long, I've suggested removing what you don't need, namely vague comparisons to other books, telling the agent things she should already know better than you do about whether your book will sell, and your life story, which might interest her after she becomes your agent.