Save Your Marriage: 5 Risks to Take Before It’s Too Late

My journalist friend Kayt Sukel is gutsy and will do just about anything in the name of science. Case in point: She once climbed into an MRI and let researchers study her brain while she had an orgasm. Then she wrote about the experience. Kayt is happy and successful and she’s always posting things to Facebook that make me wish I was living her life. So when she told me that her latest book was about risk taking and mentioned that married people could learn a thing or two about it, I asked her to write a guest post. Be like Kayt. Read Kayt’s post and her book.

The Risks That Can Save Your Marriage

by Kayt Sukel

Our survival depends on us taking risks. Without embracing risk, we would not be able to grow, explore, learn, adapt and respond to the world around us. Risk is good for us, even in our personal relationships.

Opening yourself, and your heart, to another person is one of the biggest risks you can take.  But it can also offer you one of life’s most amazing rewards. To that end, here are 5 risks to take in your relationship—to grow, to learn, and to thrive together—before it’s too late.

 Know what kind of risk-taker you are. Everyone approaches risk a little differently. But if you are on one end of the spectrum—someone who needs adrenaline and a little stress all the time—or the other—someone who avoids uncertainty at all costs—it’s easy to find yourself falling into conflict. So ask yourself:  Are you impulsive and quick to respond to emotional situations? Or do you like to step back and carefully consider things before you act? Do you seek out stimulation from your partner—even if you have to start a silly argument just to get his or her attention? Or do you prefer the quiet and keep your distance when things get a little uncertain? Knowing how you approach uncertainty is important. Really, risk-taking style is almost its own type of love language. And when you have some awareness of your default risk-taking mode, you can better understand what is really at issue when things come to a head.  Are you truly unhappy with your partner? Or is there something else in the situation that is making you uneasy?
Know what kind of risk-taker your partner is. In a similar vein, knowing how your partner responds to risk is a great benefit. If your partner tends towards being more impulsive, you can use that knowledge to help you find the right communication approach when there is conflict. If they tend to shy away from uncertainty, you will have a better understanding of why they may need some space before you talk. As G.I. Joe was so fond of saying, knowing is half the battle. It really may not be you that is the problem—just your partner’s natural response to uncertainty and conflict.
Try something your partner loves—and suggest they do the same with you. Your partner loves to play racquetball. You are fond of ballroom dance. No one says that you have to do everything together—or even that you have to enjoy all of your partner’s hobbies and pleasures. But you should at least take a risk and give some a try. Get your basketball-loving partner some tickets for a killer game, and make a date night out of it. Ask your partner to try some dance lessons or a trip to the ballet. I can’t promise you’ll like it all (or that your partner will either), but taking those risks will help the two of you learn more about what moves each of you and brings you joy—things that, ultimately, will bring you closer together.
Plan an adventure together. It’s human nature to fall into habit. But the brain goes crazy for a little novelty. To rekindle the spark of your relationship, plan an adventure together. It doesn’t require a round-the-world trip or glow-in-the-dark bungee jumping. Even trying a new restaurant or local activity can offer you a little adventure—and a way to help your biological systems release key neurochemicals that will help you find some joy and reconnect.
Find a new way to commit to your partner, each and every day. Committing to your partner is a risk. Relationships don’t come with guarantees. But you can’t hedge your bets and hope for a winning outcome. Wake up each morning and find those little ways to show that you are committed to succeed as a couple. Show your partner, even when he or she might be driving your crazy, that they are cherished, loved, and appreciated. You’ll soon find that when you re-commit each day, your partner is more likely to take that risk and do the same.

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Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

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Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

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