Relationship Rescue: What to Do When You No Longer Connect

Where Has All The Empathy Gone? What a Book Can Teach You About Takin...

Relationship Rescue: What to Do When You No Longer Connect

People drift apart, even when they sleep in the same bed. One day, you are saying vows and listening to people’s warnings about how love takes constant attention, devotion, and work – and you are rolling your eyes because you are thinking that your love is different; it’s real, and it will last because, well, duh.

The next day you are wondering how you ever ended up married to this person and you are slowly going through all of your memories, trying to figure out exactly how you got hoodwinked and you are writing emails to a stranger on the Internet (me), asking for advice. Some of you have already saved your marriage once. And then you drifted apart again. It feels hard. Tiring. Not worth it. Frustrating. I get it. Been there, okay? What follows is the same advice and motivational pep talk I often give myself when I am feeling disconnected from my husband. I hope it works for you, too.

Stop blaming. Just stop. Yes, I mean, sure, it might be all your spouse’s fault. Yes, if only your spouse were a million different things (more fun, more talkative, more understanding, more this, more that), marriage would be so much easier and you might not feel disconnected right now. Here’s the thing: angrily blaming your spouse will not fix this. It will not bring you closer. It will only do one thing: drive you farther apart.

Make a decision, and remind yourself of that decision every single dang day. You can’t make much progress if you remain in the “I’m not sure if I want to stay married” place. You also can’t make much progress if you keep fantasizing about mythological better spouses — you know, all of the people that you didn’t actually marry. If you want to feel more connected with your spouse, you have to decide to be more connected. You have to commit to it. It’s just like deciding to get fit or deciding to eat more vegetables. It doesn’t work if you fantasize about how many vegetables you would eat if you had a personal chef who served them up to you ever day, right? No, you eat more veggies by making a concerted effort to cook them yourself. It’s the same with your relationship. You don’t feel more connected to your spouse by fantasizing about being more connected to people who are not your spouse. This is going to take some effort. Think of it like a challenge. Are you up for it?

Pretend you have never met. You feel almost like strangers right now, and the almost is the problem. If you actually felt completely like strangers, then it would be easy to reconnect because you would treat your spouse like a stranger you were meeting on a first date and you would ask your spouse questions and you would actually listen to the answers. But because you feel almost like strangers, you just see your spouse and roll your eyes and think, “That person doesn’t have anything interesting going on.” Ditch your assumptions about who your spouse is and what makes your spouse tick. Treat your spouse like that stranger you once met during a first date. Get to know this person all over again.

Plan fun into your life. People will tell you to go out on dates. There’s something about the idea of dating your spouse that rings boring to me. I don’t know why. It also sounds like effort. So I’m not going to tell you to date your spouse. But I am going to tell you to do this: find a way to have some fun together. Maybe you go rafting as a family. Maybe you play keep away from the dogs. Maybe you go to a fringe festival. Do things out of your comfort zone. Take turns planning the fun in. One week, your spouse chooses the fun. The next week, you choose. When your spouse suggests fun that you are convinced will be a drag: do it anyway. And ask your spouse to promise to do the same. You never know. Maybe you will find out that you actually like baseball or ghost hunting or geo caching or whatever it is your spouse loves but you are convinced you hate.

Create daily rituals. Dinner together is a great ritual. So is walking together. Maybe you sit next to each other as you both sip beer. Or you watch the news together. Don’t force the talking. Just have a few things you do together every day — a few things that are your things.

I am not saying that any of these suggestions work like magic. But I am saying that they are worth trying. You never know. Maybe your spouse is a lot more interesting than you currently believe.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

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