It’s Really Hard Feeling like this

So my emotions seem to be attacking me lately. My head is heavy with angry thoughts and I just feel off balance. I keep saying to myself “what am I doing?”

That’s the hardest question to ask yourself. I wish I didn’t ask it of myself so frequently but it is plaguing my mind and it really hurts.

As a writer I know what I like doing. I know what I’m good at. What keeps me awake at night. What stops me from eating. What makes me forget the world exists. And that’s beautiful. Since I was a little girl I’ve known who I am.

Except it isn’t enough.

I write and write and feel accomplished or happy, but it’s fleeting. So scarily fleeting. I wish I could hold onto that great feeling but it seems to keep slipping through my fingers like smoke.

I remind myself that I know who I am. I know what I’m doing. I am Siana-Rose Crawford, aka S. R. Crawford the author. The writer. The helper. The hero and creator of heroes. But when I can’t make a living from it. When no one seems to be reading my work. When I keep getting new ideas and feel myself becoming overwhelmed and unproductive, I feel like that thing I know about myself just isn’t true enough.

Is it Anxiety? Depression? Anger that I’m not where I want to be? Fear that I’ll never make it? Perhaps all of the above. How do I stay strong through all of this in order to become the me I know I am?

For now I am weak…And all I seek is peace.

Happy world book day, hopefully one day people will celebrate my books like I have always dreamt.