Regret or Forget? That is the question…

As you know August is my month of "air".  Meaning I am taking time off from writing to breathe. To let my thoughts breathe. To let my office breathe. I am back to work when you guys go back to school but in the meantime I have been flexing creativity into a beefy mental bicep.

Last week it was the Bucket List. (SHOUT OUT: JULZ for posting her awesome list and for doing mine!) This week it's the Shovel List. A list of five things from my past that I would like to scoop up with a shovel and toss off this spinning planet. These are things I would like to forget. Not things I regret.

I let my high school boyfriend walk all over me. But I don't regret that. The emotional hell he put me through fueled my writing. I know what heartbreak is. I know what love is. I know what longing is. I know what lust is. I know what jealousy is. I know what anger is. I know what it feels like to finally get over someone.

I got a perm in the ninth grade and dyed it red. But I don't regret it. I know what it feels like to look like Ronald McDonald.

I got arrested for shoplifting Bonne Bell lip gloss from a drug store when I was 14. But I don't regret it. I know what it feels like to be terrified. I know what it feels like to disappoint my parents. I know what it feels like to never want to get arrested again.

These are life expereinces. Most of mine were great. Many were embarrassing. Some were horrifying. All of them are keepers. These contribute to my work and my character. These help me create and connect.

The shovel list, howevs, are the things that did nothing for me whatsoever. They are my junk food experiences. The ones with no nutritional value. They messed me up for no good reason.

LISI'S TMI SHOVEL LIST

1. I smoked cigarettes for 15 years. Quitting was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was a five-year marathon of non-stop willpower.  I gained 15 pounds in the process. I had to work hard to lose it. What do I have to show for it? Permanent wrinkles above my lips and lungs that hate me.

2. I skipped a lot of school. And not to go on wild adventures or read poetry by the river. I wish. I skipped school but didn't go anywhere. I just hung around outside and smoked cigarettes. I couldn't sit still in class. I couldn't absorb the lessons. I probably had ADD and didn't know it. Granted, school is one system and not every child thrives in that system. But Still. I wish I had tried. I always wonder what I would be like now if I had been a good student. Smarter, that's for sure.

3. I spent too much time after school with my boyfriend. I wasn't an athlete. I wasn't an activist. I wasn't a musician. I gave HIM all of my free time. Worst investment ever.

4. I went to McGill University in Montreal because I got in and I couldn't believe it. I also went because my best friends were going. I had no desire to go there. It was a massive university that didn't have a writing program. I was a film major because film was the closest thing to something creative I could find. But it was all theory and soulless lectures. It wasn't for me. Instead of taking time off to explore my options and honor my passions I went because it was the easy and impressive thing to do. I got nothing out of it but  more skipped classes and social drama. Not even the kind that makes good art. More like the kind you block out because it was so dark and pointless. I eventually transferred to Emerson College in Boston and suddenly the lights in my brain switched on. Um, nineteen years later.

5. When the going got tough, the tough grabbed dull scissors and cut her bangs. I couldn't stop. It went on for ten years. If I was stressed or restless I would snip. Right after I heard my grandfather (loved him madly) died I cut my bangs. Not a dusting. A mow. Short and stubby. Bad conversation with my crush? Snip. Overwhelmed at school? Snip. Grounded for a week? Suh-NIP! It didn't enhance my art. Just my photo album of mortifying pictures. It wasn't inspiring. Just ugly.

So that's my list. TMI? Perhaps. I know better than to expect you guys to fess up with lists of your own. Or maybe you have to be older to make one. To have years and years to choose from like I do. Whatever the case may be, whenever you're trying to make a difficult decision ask yourself it belongs on a bucket list (will make your life richer) or a shovel list (will fill you with empty regret). And then…

SHOUT OUT: Talia for sticking with me since the beginning and for being such a great friend to the "girlies"

TTYW,

Lisi

xxxxxx