How To Get Rid of Bothersome People.

Back in the day, when writing novels was just a glimmer in my newly-graduated eye, I got my first job for a big advertising agency that will remain nameless.

I was hired as an assistant for the account management team.  To give you a sense of the reputation of the account management side, here's a joke I learned while working there (from an account manager, no less.)

The joke.

A copywriter, a creative director and an account manager are at an ad agency at one in the morning, trying to finish a big project.  They're visited by a genie who promises to grant each of them one wish… whatever they wanted.

"I want to live on my own private island, writing bestsellers whenever I felt like it," the copywriter said, and poof!  He disappeared to somewhere in the south Pacific.

"I want to live in a luxurious house just outside of Paris, painting whatever I wanted and making millions doing it," the creative director said, and poof!  She disappeared to her luxurious mansion.

"So what do you want?" the genie asked the account manager.

The account manager glanced at his watch.  "I want those two assholes back here right now."

Mad Men (and women.)

If nothing else, it was fodder for one of my books.  The hellish, worked-a-thirty-six-hour-day scenes from L.A. Woman were inspired by several bosses, but during that first job I did book a 108 hour work week.  My first week, I was told to get tickets to a sold out show (when I pointed this out, I was told "well, of course — because anyone could get a show where tickets were available!")

I wound up learning that the miraculous was often substandard.  Healthy boundaries?  Personal life?  I quickly had those whipped out of me.

Then, I had one particular manager so heinous that, when she was transferred to Mexico some years later, I heard they were passing the hat to have her kidnapped.  (And I almost sent in a dollar.) But thanks to this manager, I inadvertently learned one of the most valuable things I've ever picked up on any job.

Desperate times call for… well, you know.

I was perilously on the verge of crying all the time.  So one of the kind guys in Creative told me about his sister, who had dabbled in Santeria and voodoo.  "Whenever someone pisses her off, she does the bottle spell, then puts the bottle in a freezer."

"Does it work?" I sniffled.

"Certainly," he said, proud.  "It works so well, she had to buy another freezer to put food in!"

This wasn't exactly a ringing endorsement, either for voodoo or his sister's sanity, but like I said, I was desperate.  So my co-worker and I tried it.

And damned if it didn't work.

Shortly after, I got a new job and relatively more sane bosses: I never got another call at eleven o'clock at night from a boss saying "where the fuck have you been?"

Since then, I have seen this work on evil landlords, crazy PTA moms, conniving co-workers and even psycho clients.  In only one case has it failed — and, strangely, even caused the freezer to break.  I'm not sure what happened there.

Without further ado…

THE BOTTLE SPELL.

Note: for those of you concerned, this is simply a "binding" spell.  It doesn't do active harm.  It simply prevents the person who is annoying/harassing/dangerous to you from doing so anymore.  You're not trying to hurt anybody, you're just trying to get them the heck away from you.

For those of you looking for something more aggressive, I guess those doll things with the pins are always an option, but the guy in the creative department didn't know about any of those. 

1.  Get the bothersome person's name on a piece of paper.  Most ideal is a copy of their signature, but barring that, simply writing their full name on a small piece of paper is usually enough. If you're feeling really symbolic, you can tie it up with red string or yarn, knotted nine times… but really, just folding the paper's usually enough.

2.  Get a small bottle.  Baby food bottles are good, or small spice bottles.  I've found glass works well. 

3.  Stuff the paper in the bottle with some garlic.

4.  Close the bottle and seal it with candle wax.  White or red are good colors, but really, anything'll do.

5.  Throw that bad boy in the freezer… deep in the back, hidden behind the mystery meat or that healthy meal you know you're never defrosting.

Results vary, but I've found that the offending person usually stops bothering you in under a week.  It's the weirdest thing ever… but hey, it works.

Best.  Job training.  Ever.