A Load of Crap

It was not lost on me that the same week I had my first ever colonoscopy, that “Welcome to Your Fifties!” present you wish came with a gift receipt for easy returns, there was a blizzard of bull on the political front too. I’d call it Operation Parallel Shitstorm but I know your sensibilities are too delicate for that. Just know that I thought it.

For my younger readers, let me reassure you that the medical procedure was easy and straightforward. One second you’re chatting with the anesthesiologist about your upcoming trip, congratulating yourself on not slurring the phrase “hiking hut to hut in the Cradle Mountains,” and the next second the nice nurse is saying “Wake up, Nancy, it’s over!” In between, the deepest, darkest knockout sleep thanks to propofol aka Michael Jackson Juice aka I definitely understand why he would say to the doctor “Keep it flowin’!”

Just as everyone had foretold, the hard part of the colonoscopy was the buildup for the letdown. First, twenty-four hours of fasting, much of which I spent standing in the kitchen staring woefully at the breadbox like an old dog whose masters have just driven away and left no forwarding address. Then, 12 hours before the procedure, you have to start drinking glass after glass after glass after glass of a solution called GoLightly which hahahahaha pharmaceutical naming professionals, nice try. Can’t wait until you turn 50 so you can curse your own name.

No details from me. Instead I’ll just include this scene from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, called “Potion of Despair.”

Anyhoo I was up early enough on the morning of the procedure to get all caught up on the latest from #45’s week: the real leaks and the fake news, the assumption that reporter April Ryan was only there with a notebook in case she needed to jot down his bagel preference for the meeting she’d set up between him and the CBC (he was hoping CBC stood for Christian Bootlicking Cabal), the tweets about an increasing number of media outlets conspiring against him.

(Every time he adds another outlet to his list of unfair media, I’m reminded of a parenting conversation I had a couple of times with my kids at various points as their social skills developed and solidified: “If you have the same problem with more than two people, you need to have an honest talk with yourself about who’s causing that problem.”)

The team who took care of me at the medical center was entirely nonwhite, and half of them appeared to not have been born in the US. What was a maddening week for me on the political front was surely, for them, even more personal and serious. These are people who literally work with assholes every day so I imagine they’re pretty quick to recognize one behind a presidential podium. Yet there they were, doing their jobs well, courteous, professional, friendly. They took good care of me because that’s generally what people do for each other, all signs from our “leadership” the contrary.

When I came to a little while later, the nurse said, “How do you feel, Nancy?”

I answered, “Fine. Wait, is Trump still president?

Having a colonoscopy come back all clear? Great. Cracking up the entire medical team with your joke? Priceless.

While I waited in recovery for a little bit I scrolled through my phone and saw the news report of a leaked memo about sending National Guard troops out to round up immigrants. I read about a Sudanese family fleeing a US Border Agent into Canada in the small border town in upstate New York where my husband grew up. I got a text from a friend of Mexican descent with whom I’m having dinner Saturday night, saying she was glad it would be dark when we met up because it would make it harder for Border Patrol to find her.

“Can I have more propofol?” I said, to no one in particular.

That, or can someone dump some GoLightly into the White House water supply?

The Old 97s cast Brandi Carlile as God on their latest album…and she is not here for your bull.

***I wrote a piece about my beloved late father in law over on TueNight and the title sums it up. Hope you’ll take a read about his amazing life and the contributions he made.

This Is What the American Dream Actually Looks Like