Lessons from Life in the Middle

2/16/17


The sandwich generation. That peculiar term that applies when adult children are parenting their children, juggling careers,  driving carpool, and caring for aging parents. It’s the subject of a new anthology titled Here in the Middle. 


Curated by Christine Organ and Julie Jo Severson, Here in the Middle is a collection of essays that offer various paths into the joys and heartaches of writers whose lives are complex, stressful, and enriched by layers of familial relationships and responsibilities. 


When I was asked to write a blurb for the book I put on my author hat and dove into the manuscript. I appreciated the strong writing; the poignant stories that will resonate with many who are in the sandwich. Like an a la carte menu there is something for everyone who lands in that middle spot.


The 32 writers share short stories involving the journey into the twilight of life: health care, hospice, end-of-life planning, and end-of-life. Some writers venture into thorny territory, acknowledging sibling rivalry, relentless guilt, even feeling more like an outlaw than an in-law. The stories lure tears and smiles. 


But I’m not in the sandwich, so much of this was foreign territory.


My father died of cancer when I was in junior high, my mother days before I married at age 23.


That my children had no relationship with their maternal grandparents and a limited one with their paternal grandparents is a relentless source of sadness for me. 


As I read about multi-generational relationships between mothers, about fathers teaching daughters how to play poker or how to fire a weapon, I found myself shrouded in a cloak of green. 


Here’s the crazy thing. Tough as I know it can be – for I’ve watched friends navigate it – I envy those in the middle of the sandwich. Not because they have to schlep their parents to doctor appointments or take their keys away.


I envy them because they – and their children – have time with their parents I never had.


There is no equivocation in this anthology – when an aging parent moves close to home – or into the family home – there can be a lot of stress and angst. But there can be more. There can be healing. And joy.


I loved the stories about children spending time with grandparents, whether they share a home, a meal, or just bits of conversation. Take writer Jackie Pick’s story titled  ‘Grandparent Privilege.’ Pick recounts how nervous she was when her children had their first overnight with their grandparents. How she was certain that her parents would be overwhelmed, incapable of getting her kids to eat dinner and go to sleep.


But then…there was the unanticipated.  During one of several calls to check in, she heard a chorus of voices singing Pharrell William’s hit song Happy. Pick was dumbfounded. And at that point in her essay a voice in my head whispered, “Oh, what I would have given….”


Here in the Middle offers wisdom from fellow travelers. Indeed, it has no shortage of heart-wrenching stories of parents forgetting their adult children’s names, of new personalities replacing familiar ones as Alzheimer’s tightens its grip on a loved one.


But it also offers perspective. This life of ours is short. Even the tough times don’t last forever.  


Ambrosia Brody grew up with her grandmother in her home. She writes in ‘Moving Nana In’  about deciding to move her mother into her home as her own family grew and her mother assumed caregiving responsibilities. The move carried a price. Brody worried about the pressure of  being her mother’s employer, about taking her mother away from her familiar neighborhood.


But she recognized the gifts that came with the move. Her daughter loved having her Nana in the house. Brody relished the laughter that filled the house as the two had tickle sessions before bedtime.


In ‘Shapes in the Clouds’ author Pamela Valentine recalls how her grandfather was a virtual stranger when he and his wife moved into her childhood home, a space so small it was already bursting at the seams before two aging adults were added to the mix. She describes how, as a young girl,  she would often walk and talk with him. Her grandfather told her about the grandmother who died when she was three years old and about her own father’s youth. He told her about his days of working in rail yards. He also taught her how to speak Polish and how to play pinochle.


Yes, there were difficult times as her grandfather navigated lung cancer and Alzheimer’s. But years after his death the author puts a pin in the message that resonated most with me: in all relationships there are challenges and obstacles and gifts and opportunities.


Those stories speak to me because I’m blessed with three (soon to be four) granddaughters. Thinking of Pick’s story, I want to be that grandma – the one who sets up forts with the girls, takes them to the zoo and the Children’s Theater, listens to their woes about mean girls or cute boys who don’t throw glances their way.


I want to be the grandma who imparts shards of wisdom the girls will put away until some life event summons them to the surface.


I plan to be the grandma who belts out Happy with her granddaughters in a voice that will never land me on The Voice.


While Here in the Middle offers a roadmap for navigating the most challenging times, it also reminds us that we can – should – embrace life in all its phases.


This much I know. After the final goodbyes are exchanged, after the hospital bed is removed from the living room, after the last medicine bottle is emptied, we’re left with the choice of how to fill the void, how to remember the time we shared. 


To my mind, that is the hidden gift of Here in the Middle. 


W hat about you? Are you in the middle? What gifts have you discovered there?


The post Lessons from Life in the Middle appeared first on Caryn M Sullivan - Living a Life of Resilience.

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Published on February 16, 2017 13:32
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