Indivisible: Am I Saved? How Perfect Love Casts Out Fear
by Jerusha Agen
Spencer’s face crumpled as tears came to his eyes and he ran from the room.
I sat in the tiny space used for our fifth grade class at church, too stunned to say anything to my best friend, the only other kid in the class of three. Guilt, horror, and fear pumped through my body.
My friend had made an unkind remark about Spencer, a boy we thought not quite as “cool” as ourselves, when we thought we were alone.
What we didn’t realize was that our classmate had returned just then, poised outside the doorway in time to hear my friend’s joke at his expense. As Spencer fled, shouting that he was going to tell our teacher, I sat in perfect outward calm, panicking on the inside.
I was what people often term a “good girl.” Well-trained by my parents and a Christian at an early age, I sinned every day, but usually in the so-called small ways that many people don’t even recognize as registering on the sin scale.
Getting in trouble for ridiculing a kid and making him cry was definitely out of my league.
My heart pounded as I waited for Spencer to return with our teacher. Would the teacher be angry? Far worse, would he tell my parents and I would have to face their judgment?
Then the self-justification started. I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. My friend had made the unkind remark. I’d just sat there. I was innocent.
So skilled was I at justifying myself in my own mind that, by the time Spencer returned with the teacher in tow, I’d cleared myself of any wrongdoing and became angry when the teacher aimed his lecture at me along with my guilty friend.
But fear still churned in my belly when the teacher threatened to tell my parents. Why? Because, deep down, I knew I deserved their judgment. I didn’t have enough fear of their judgment to avoid wrongdoing, but once I committed the wrong and was caught, then fear immediately took hold.
Does this remind you of our relationship with God? I don’t often have enough fear of His judgment to avoid sinning, but once I’ve sinned and been “caught” by the Holy Spirit convicting me, I start to get scared. The Israelites in the Old Testament notoriously did the same thing, frequently disobeying God without fear until they received their just punishment.
But there’s a crucial difference between us and the Israelites.
Read more »
Spencer’s face crumpled as tears came to his eyes and he ran from the room.
I sat in the tiny space used for our fifth grade class at church, too stunned to say anything to my best friend, the only other kid in the class of three. Guilt, horror, and fear pumped through my body.
My friend had made an unkind remark about Spencer, a boy we thought not quite as “cool” as ourselves, when we thought we were alone.
What we didn’t realize was that our classmate had returned just then, poised outside the doorway in time to hear my friend’s joke at his expense. As Spencer fled, shouting that he was going to tell our teacher, I sat in perfect outward calm, panicking on the inside.
I was what people often term a “good girl.” Well-trained by my parents and a Christian at an early age, I sinned every day, but usually in the so-called small ways that many people don’t even recognize as registering on the sin scale.
Getting in trouble for ridiculing a kid and making him cry was definitely out of my league.
My heart pounded as I waited for Spencer to return with our teacher. Would the teacher be angry? Far worse, would he tell my parents and I would have to face their judgment?
Then the self-justification started. I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. My friend had made the unkind remark. I’d just sat there. I was innocent.
So skilled was I at justifying myself in my own mind that, by the time Spencer returned with the teacher in tow, I’d cleared myself of any wrongdoing and became angry when the teacher aimed his lecture at me along with my guilty friend.
But fear still churned in my belly when the teacher threatened to tell my parents. Why? Because, deep down, I knew I deserved their judgment. I didn’t have enough fear of their judgment to avoid wrongdoing, but once I committed the wrong and was caught, then fear immediately took hold.
Does this remind you of our relationship with God? I don’t often have enough fear of His judgment to avoid sinning, but once I’ve sinned and been “caught” by the Holy Spirit convicting me, I start to get scared. The Israelites in the Old Testament notoriously did the same thing, frequently disobeying God without fear until they received their just punishment.
But there’s a crucial difference between us and the Israelites.
Read more »
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