PA vs. CA: A Tale of Two States

Here are some of the differences between the Pennsylvanian and the Californian as observed by someone who is not native to either state, but has lived ten years in each:

PA = touchy and tense. CA = relaxed and easygoing.

CA = concerned over LGBTQ. PA = thinks LGBTQ is either a rib joint or some kind of prog-rock band.

PA = wears shorts when it is 47 degrees. CA = wears parka when it is 68 degrees.

PA = will knock on your door at 3 AM to tell you you're an asshole. CA = will smile at you in the hallway and then send you a text message at 3 AM telling you you're an asshole.

CA = knows an actress, a model, a comedian, a writer, and a musician, and none of them have jobs. PA = knows a welder, a mechanic, a construction worker, and a waitress, and it's the same fucking person.

CA = thinks you're a tool if you drink cheap beer. PA = thinks you're a tool if you don't.

PA = unpretentious to the point of being slovenly. CA = pretentious to the point of being ridiculous.

PA = poorly educated, and still emotionally in high school. CA = highly educated, and still emotionally in pre-school.

PA = will go out of their way to tell a person they don't like them. CA = will go out of their way to pretend they like someone they can't stand.

PA = buys weed from sleazy drug dealer in an alley near the park. CA = buys weed from a licensed Pot Dispensary while driving kids home from day care.

CA = pickup in front of you on the freeway most likely filled with Mexican illegals. PA = pickup parked next to you at Denny's most likely filled with dismembered parts of 12-point buck.

PA = ancestors fought for North but wears Stars 'n Bars T-shirt. CA = parents' fortune founded on exploitation of poor, but wears Che Guevara T-shirt.

CA = tormented over "white privilege" PA = tormented by complete absence of anything that could be remotely called a privilege, never mind the goddamn color.

PA = poor but tries to look wealthier than he is. CA = rich but pays $350 for ripped jeans.

CA = threatens to sue. PA = beats you with a pipe if you threaten to sue. ("In for a penny, in for a pound.")

PA girls = I like you, I'll fuck you. CA = I hate you, I'll fuck you (if you're a casting director).

CA = Thinks NASCAR is a hybrid. PA = Thinks NASCAR is a religion.

PA = is 27 but looks 40. CA = is 50 but dresses like a teenager.

CA = Thinks Neegan is a cool character. PA = Confused why their Uncle Charlie is on "The Walking Dead."

PA boys = Is a computer programmer and wear a John Deere hat, but I will beat you like a red-headed stepchild. CA boys = Wears Affliction shirts and spent 3 hours a day in the gym, but will piss himself if challenged to fight.

CA = tries to impress you by name-dropping pop stars he knows. PA = tries to impress you by dropping 20 shots of Jaegermeister at happy hour.

PA = Wears "L.A." hat, has never been to California. CA = Wears "Compton" hat, would befoul trousers if they came within 5 miles of the place.

CA = sees public service ad promoting gay tolerance and is moved. PA = sees same ad and is moved...to hurl ashtray at television.

PA = sees no contradiction between rebel flag on front porch and black best friend. CA = sees no contradiction between liberal political views and crossing to the other side of the street when he sees a black person.

CA = claims to care about environment but leaves organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, vegan-approved garbage at state park. PA = recycles cans but shoots deer.

CA = hates socialism because he lives in it. PA = hates socialism but has no idea what the fuck it is.

PA = still talking about the time Charlie Sheen came to town nine years ago. CA = still talking about sleeping with Charlie Sheen three days ago.

PA (and MD) = Says they'll be there at 6:30, shows up at 6:25. CA = Says they'll be there at 6:30, shows up at 8. Then gets out of car and says, "Traffic."

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As a bonus, I'd like to add a difference between CA, NY/NJ and PA:

NY/NJ: brags about non-existent Mafia connections.
CA = brags about non-existent movie industry connections.
PA = brags about the time Dale Earnhardt puked all over his shoes, but isn't lying.