Yes, I'm mean. I said that already.
It's come out that I'm being mean by attacking normal people with words. It's true, I've thrown no punches or kicks at anyone, paid no money to harmful lobbies, or suggested any legislation to make normal people more vulnerable to attack. But me pointing out "the condition of this society is fucking terrible" is seen as an attack so awful that many people are irreparably angry at me. They want me to go back to being happy, funny Zoe, who didn't talk about all this bad stuff like it was everyone's fault.
Except, it is everyone's fault, because every problem that is brought up that needs to be confronted NOW, you procrastinate on and ask for more time to keep your focus on your wallets. But even when those wallets were fat with cash, you yelled me down and told me it wasn't the right time to talk about this stuff. People, there is never going to be a right time to spoil your mood and bring up unsavory topics. It's like shit. There's never a time when it won't stink. But eventually, you have to do it. It's not healthy to try putting it off. And the same thing is true of civil rights issues. It's unhealthy to put these things off. It's best to just pass this shit and move on to other bills after you're cleared out this nasty civil rights stuff.
I keep talking about civic responsibility and civic duty, and no one wants to hear it. I can write to my elected officials, but I can't lead by example in doing so. You don't see that, and when I point it out, you resent me and say I'm being judgmental. I can't point to the problems using links without comment and get a response from you. I can't yell at you and get your attention. In short, you're the deaf unreachables, every day.
You don't want to be reminded that there's an ugly side of your world. Please, don't point to me like I said I was Snow White. I start out conversations all the time reminding people that I'm a bad person and know it. (And every time, I can count on someone to dismiss my statements and tell me I'm really a good person and just won't admit it cause I've got low self-esteem.) I admit what I am and take personal responsibility. I practice civic responsibility too. Vocally, financially, and physically. I help with causes outside my T group. I'm opposed to racism, I'm willing to support pro-choice folks when they call for allies, and can be counted on for Atheist causes though I am a believer in God. I'm committed to my principles and beliefs, and I work to help others. But saying so doesn't inspire anyone. It just pisses you off because I expect you to try something similar. God damn me for asking you to have more empathy.
Some of you come to me and say, "Hey, wait a minute, Zoe. I AM sending letters to my elected officials. I'm donating to causes too, and I'm doing my part." Then why are you telling me this? Why are you jumping up to speak if you're not the target I need to reach? Do you feel a need to defend the people who don't do their part in society? If you're already in the choir, and you're already doing what you can, why is what I'm saying offensive to you?
But there's another side of this. My enemies use a form of vitriol to attack me, but my allies NEVER understand my rage at being hit, nor am I allowed to return that anger with an equal emotional reaction. AND YET, my so-called allies CAN express their bitterness with me for being angry. They can't understand my rage, but they can bitch at me about not taking the right tone as a victim, even if they're not the targets of my outrage.
If it really bugs you so much when I express myself, I can go back to not talking at all. After all, talking hasn't really accomplished anything has it? Me talking never convinced anyone to change their mind about any prejudice they hold. Me talking has never turned around a bad policy, never swayed allies to do the right thing. So I shut up and peddled my stupid books. I erased all my worst posts because they were too bitter and honest. But muting myself has never changed anything either.
So I'm sorry that I'm a crazy person as a result of a childhood of constant abuse. I'm sorry I'm bitter and disillusioned with people now because you still won't listen to anyone who can't sum up their problem in a slogan. I dealt with your worst little shit bullies all my life, and I dealt with "good people" telling me I deserved their torment. All my life, I've shouted, "Why can't people stop this?" And every time, the answer I get back is a question: "Why can't you ask for help nicer?"
Six years of almost daily torture. Sexual assault from my best friend. The love from most of my family is STILL conditional, and rides on the premise that I don't "rock the boat" about the past. My family forced me into a church that told me God hated me and would send me to hell to burn as an abomination. I was even denied an escape into a peaceful afterlife. Every time I tried to confide in someone as an ally, they either walked away because I was just a mixed up queer, or they used me.
And then I got to my adult life a shattered animal with no clue of what to do with myself. Every facet of what I am as a person has to be suppressed and controlled, because I'm not fit for this world. I'm not allowed to express my opinions, my faith, my sexuality, or discuss my gender without someone attacking me for not having a good attitude.
When I snarl back in reaction, I'm going too far. When all that has been done to me comes pouring back out as animal aggression, even people I'm not talking to rear back and go "What the fuck is up with all this rage, bitch? You need to tone down your act for my benefit, pronto."
Fuck you. And don't whine at me that I'm not being a good person. I never said I was a good person. You pretended I was because it was easier than admitting you'd befriended a crazy person. But I tell you all the time, I'm a bitter, broken, abused animal, and I am god damned sick and tired of people who put a pretty mask on me and then rear back in shock when they discover that the lie they made up isn't true.
Just because you like my jokes and my comedy persona, don't you ever assume that happy bubbly shit is the real me. It's the mask I invented to avoid being hurt as a child. Bullies don't hit you if you can make them laugh. It worked then, and it works now that I'm an adult. But it's just a mask, and what lies underneath, you can't love or understand or comes to terms with. Because all that's left of me is scars and anger. Everything else is a lie.
And that's why I sell stories instead of talking about me. Unfortunately, you kept insisting, "But Zoe, I can't just buy your books. I have to know something about you first." Well, now you know. Aren't you so fucking glad you asked?
