Day Four: Tater Tots and Beer

Hello all. Welcome to the final installment of my “Oz Lost his Mind” blog series. Click here If you haven’t been following along, otherwise you won’t know what the hell is going on.

 

The last night I was in the mental hospital, I slept, really slept, for the first time in many months. Few people know how important sleep is. Nurses and doctors come close. Full time college students with an active social life come closer. Single parents with colicky twins come the closest. But those with chronic insomnia are the only ones that truly know. I had been getting two to three fractured hours of sleep a night, every night, for three straight months. And what sleep I did get was plagued by dark, anxiety ridden dreams. Medication didn’t help. Warm milk only made me gassy. Furious and enthusiastic masturbation made my forearms look great, but left me sweaty and slightly ashamed. Kidding. I’m not ashamed of that. I was always told to be proud of things I did well.

 

Lack of sleep twisted my mind. Reality became fuzzy, my words slurred. Holes in my memory grew with each sleepless night until entire days were swallowed by the monster. More than depression, more than anxiety, I hate insomnia. The two former ailments wax and wane throughout the day, but the latter? It is a constant weight that increases like water in a sinking ship. An hour of sleep here and there is like Leo DiCaprio trying the save the Titanic by bailing with a single bucket. Futile.

 

But that final night, I slept. Holy fuckstockings did I sleep. I woke the following day rested and content. I was by no means out of the woods, but I was on the trail once again, like Bilbo trying to escape Mirkwood. That’s right, I threw in another Tolkien reference. I’ll shoehorn those bastards in everywhere I can. Live with it.

My daily checkup with the nurse went well. She asked the usual questions. How are you feeling? How did you sleep? Do you have any thoughts of harming yourself? Harming anyone else?

I was happy to report that all was well.

“I’d say so. I noticed your wife left with a smile after yesterday’s visit.”

She was right, it had been a good visit. My wife showed up at the tail end of my third chess match. The first was with a young guy. He had only played a few times so I took it easy on him. He got agitated easily, so I gave him a fighting chance. When I inevitably won, I encouraged him to keep playing. It took practice, just like everything else. My next opponent was a few years older than me. He had watched my first match and underestimated my skill level. I beat him in five moves. He was prepared for the next game, and we were evenly matched. I barely eked out the win. I have a great mid game, but I suck at closing…..kinda like when I flirt with women now that I think about it…

After the checkup with the nurse I spoke to the psychiatrist again. He had only one question.

“Are you ready to go home?”

Was I? You’re damn right I was.

I called my wife right away to come pick me up. After making sure I had all my things in order, I said goodbye to my new friends and handed them scraps of paper with my email. I gave my copy of Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett to the young man I had defeated in chess. He was lonely and had nothing to read to get his mind of his troubles. Few things are as magical and healing to me as a great story well told. I knew Sir Pratchett would take good care of him.

At eleven in the morning I stood outside with my wife.

“Have you eaten? Are you hungry?” She asked.

“Yeah, I’m hungry.”

“What do you want?”

That was quite a question. What did I want? I was alive. The person I loved and cared for most in the world was holding my hand. My children were well on their way to becoming wonderful people. My friends were the most intelligent, loving, irreverent, loyal, witty, and all around awesome that anyone could hope for. What more could I possibly want?

“Tater tots,” I said.

“Really?”

“Yes. Tater tots and beer.”

“Tater tots and beer it is.” She hugged me tight. “I love you.”

“I know.”

And with that, I flew the coco’s nest.

 

Thank you for reading. Truly.

~Oz