Not In The Mood

Concert Review: Frank Turner A Load of Crap

Not In The Mood

Valentine’s Day 2017 is going to be different for a lot of people. With our new all day, every day #Resistance workouts, our wokety-wokeness, our roller-coaster vacillation between dread and hope and back to dread again, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say no one’s in the mood right now. Except maybe Nazis.

I mean, on February 14th, what are you going to do? Give roses to your beloved? “You know, those were probably picked by immigrant workers, and when I look at these deep red blooms all I see is the look of anguish as they worry what will happen to their families. Everything is awful and I’m sleeping in the guest room.”

How about chocolates? “Imported from France… I wonder if Le Pen will really win that election. Of course she will. If Brexit and Trump then Le Pen, it’s the algebraic theory of equality. Everything is awful and I’m going to stay up late eating these chocolates and sobbing.”

You don’t even want to THINK about sexy lingerie. “Where’d you get this, Nordstrom’s? Sure, they’ve dropped the Ivanka line for now – and by the way, did you see what 45 tweeted about that? How in the name of all that is holy can he still claim to have separated from his businesses but he’s still tweeting about them? It’s complete and utter conflict of interest. Everything is awful and I’m just going to wear this long underwear to bed for another night.”

Maybe you’re thinking about some sort of experience, rather than a gift, to take your beloved’s mind of their worries. Good luck scheduling that gondola ride or romantic picnic. “Can’t do it on Saturday, I have a Black Lives Matter Human Billboard protest, then I’m going to the Together We Can Post-Inauguration Resource Fair. On Sunday I told you the girls and I are doing the Code Pink Dance Across the Golden Gate Bridge. Everything doesn’t feel as awful when I do those things, but my schedule is FULL UP.”

If you’re like me, not even music works as an aphrodisiac right now. I have taken to listening to Ninth Circuit Court arguments and impassioned Democratic speeches livestreamed during confirmation hearings like I used to listen to Frank Ocean and Luther Vandross. So don’t even bother with the love songs unless Al Franken is singing them and they include snippets of educational policy questions.

Maybe it’s for the best that our hearts aren’t being tugged too hard this year, what with the assault on the Affordable Care Act. Cardiac arrest is probably not going to be covered by whatever replaces it.

You really want to make the worried American in your life a little more inclined to romance next Tuesday? Here’s seduction in 2017, kids: Donate to the ACLU, or the Southern Poverty Law Center, or PBS, or your local school, and fold the receipt into an origami heart to present as a token of your love. You should recycle the heart afterward because environmental protection laws are about to be decimated so it’s more incumbent than ever for us to do our part.

Ugh. I love you, but everything is awful and now I need to go donate to the Sierra Club.

Ok, maybe there’s one romantic song that still works for me. Because if I stop responding to this one, that means 45 has won.